I love Dr. Harvey Karp’s book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block.  He offers very concrete ways of connecting to your toddler.  One suggestion he offers that I share with clients of toddlers (and teens!) over and over is the concept called “feed the meter.”

When you park your car at a meter, you have to go back and put coins in every so often to keep the meter going.  Likewise, children need several doses of our focused attention and presence throughout the day – in just 30 second to 10 minute doses.

However much time you spend with your child in a day, give them a few doses of the following:

–         eye contact (get down on their level and really look at them)

–         smiles

–         “I love you’s”

–         hugs

–         doing an activity together where they direct it

–         laugh together

–         your full presence

Just like you don’t put $20 in a meter all at once, you don’t need to put in two hours of undivided attention all the time – that just isn’t practical.  I’m talking about little doses throughout the time you spend with them – from a shared, very present moment to ten minutes.

Ex. When our three year old and I have to go somewhere, after I get him into his carseat, I often pause, really look at him, make eye contact and say, “I love you, A.”  I linger there for a moment, and we smile at each other.

Ex. My friend Lynne is great about hugging her kiddos throughout the day, just offering a warm embrace for 10 seconds or sitting on your lap for a few minutes.

Ex.  My husband is great about getting down on the floor and really playing with our son – A. gets to direct the play and Brian is just present.  Some times this lasts 5 minutes and some times it’s for longer.

Ex. Ask your child to curl up on your lap for a story.

Ex. When you are at the grocery store and your kiddo is the in cart, nuzzle them with your nose, look at them and smile, engage them in funny made up play as you pick out items.

Ex. Laugh together.  Make mundane daily activities fun – make a funny face or talk in a silly voice.

Several helpings of your attention like this make a huge difference – in your relationship with your children and in their behavior!  It wards off temper tantrums, I swear.  When you have to do something later in the day, your child is more likely to let you do it because they’ve already had some healthy helpings of your attention.  And, as Dr. Karp says, it “creates a growing relationship of cooperation and caring with your toddler.”