Any time you look at your partner and have the thought, “He/she should……..” pause for a moment. Time and time again I hear people say that their partner “should know what I need or what I like.”
Examples:
“He should know I’ve been home with two kiddos all day and need some real adult conversation.”
“She should know I don’t like to talk while I’m watching my TV show.”
So what do we often do?
Often we sulk and act like a victim. I know that word makes people cringe but often it’s true – we make someone else responsible for our happiness while we sit back and “can’t believe” what we put up with.
Better solution?
The minute you become aware of one of your thoughts that starts with “He/she should…” switch it around right there and then to “I can…”
“I can ask for what I want.”
“I can let him know how I’m feeling.”
“I can tell her that this is important to me.”
And then just ask.
Just ask for what you want in a kind, direct way.
Just say what you need without complicating it or having a two hour discussion about it.
Most often you’ll end up getting exactly what you want! Our partners WANT us to be happy and they WANT us to feel loved (if they don’t, that’s a whole other blog entry). And when those we love have specific direction about how to help, love, and nurture us, they are better equipped to give it to you! Instead of having to read your mind and trying to guess why you aren’t talking to her or why you are acting all irritated toward him, your partner will now feel empowered with a specific way to love you up! It’s a win-win!
Here’s how a scene might look:
Wife and husband are home from work.
Wife wants to connect by talking. Husband wants to decompress from a long day of talking.
Wife notices that husband is quiet and begins to think, ‘What is up with him?! He’s being cold. He should know that I want to connect to him.” She gets irritated.
Husband begins to think, “Huh, I wonder what’s up with her? She seems to be in a bad mood. She should know I need just five minutes to decompress.”
Wife begins to act passive aggressive. Husband begins to feel drained and pulls away.
Stop right there.
Take a breath.
Instead of acting out, pulling away, or sulking, each could take responsibility for what they want and just ask for it.
First – they could each ask themselves, “What is it I want?”
Name it! “I need a hug” or “I need to talk” or “I need five minutes by myself.”
They could then say to themselves, “I can ask for what I need!”
Then just ask for it!
Wife could say, “Honey, I could really use a hug and kiss. I’d love to chat with you about the day.”
Husband could say, “Love, I need just five minutes to myself and then I can listen.”
If each of them says what they need and listens to the other, then they’ll want to do what the other needs and then they’ll also get their need met! Win-win!
Try it out. Just ask for what you want.
Blessings,
WOW! I have to admit that this is harder than it sounds!!! But, that scenario is exactly how it happens in my house! Time to try it out. Why are the simplest things so hard to execute?
Oh Kyia, totally. It IS harder than it sounds because it requires us (and our partner) to let go of our myopic way of seeing things and to graciously be out for the other person WHILE being clear about what our needs are too. It requires us to be able to observe our heightened emotions, come to understand and be conscious of what triggers us, and to allow all that to just flow without getting wrapped up in it/overwhelmed by it and react from that space. That’s mindfulness. It IS hard. But I have found that the more and more I practice this, the easier it becomes to respond quicker with kindness and react less out of “old stuff.” It doesn’t mean I don’t get angry or have those old habitual thoughts; but it does mean I give myself more room to breathe and start again. I hear you – the simplest stuff is hard to implement.