“There is no word as sweet to hear as your own name spoken with tenderness.”
– Lisa A. McCrohan
A few weeks ago my mom (kindly!) suggested that I be mindful of how I say our son’s name.
At first I thought, “What?! I say his name just fine!” But after setting aside my ego and denial, I decided to follow my mom’s advice.
Brian and I practice positive discipline and mindful parenting with our children. We try to be loving, encouraging, and consistent while focusing on “connection before correction” and being both firm and kind. So, much to my surprise and honestly, to my embarrassment, this is what I discovered:
I found that I used terms of endearment – like honey, sweetheart, baby, and love – when I felt connected to our son but often didn’t use his name.
And when I was upset, I found that often I would say his name in a tone that wasn’t too nice.
When I stopped to hear myself say his name in stressful times, I was thought, “How would I feel if someone said my name like that?! I’d feel sad and small.” Whoa. What a wake up call!
I started to really watch how I said his name – to be mindful of what my inflection and tone might be communicating to our three year old. More and more I am trying to consciously choose to say his name in such a way that communicates love and promotes connection.
Try this with your own children. Become aware of how you say their name. Bring a sense of honesty AND kindness to this reflection. What does your tone communicate?
If you find that you say their name quite harshly, bring more kindness to how you say their name. Let your tone, inflection, and eye contact communicate regard.
What I’ve also noticed in this mindfulness practice is this: most often I’m not upset with our son. I’m tired and feel frustrated with not being able to control everything. I’m anxious over trying to be and keep things perfect. And really, I’m angry about how we parent in this country. We usually are living in our own homes, figuring things out alone or from some online chat group or parenting book by some “expert” rather than surrounded by extended family and other parents.
So really, many times, even if A. is whining, not listening or is demanding something, it’s not really that behavior that’s got me all miffed. It’s this other stuff. Eckhardt Tolle is right on, “We are never angry for the reason we think we are.”
So I’m grateful to my mom for pointing this out, even if I am embarrassed! I am grateful to be noticing how I say someone’s name and trying to choose to say it in a way that communicates, “I value you. You matter. You are my precious child.”
So whether or not you have children, I invite you to be mindful for even just once how you say someone’s name – your child’s, spouse’s, friend’s, staff’s, etc. I’ll be curious to hear what you discover!
Thanks, mom! A lot can be communicated in one single word – a name.
May this post encourage and support you in becoming mindful of how you speak to your beloveds. May your voice, eyes, and tone convey, “You belong. You matter. You are loved.”
Do you want to bring more calm into your everyday life and parenting? Want to live with a deeper sense of delight and compassion (for yourself and your dear ones), feeling connected to your heart, your dear ones, and this world? Check out the Coaching I offer.
Blessings,
Whoa! Powerful, mama! Especially the quote! I too get so wound up in trying to keep it all together that I can’t appreciate the joy they are giving to me. Man! Good to know that I am not the only one, but sad to know I have some serious work to do! It so does take a village! Hope you are doing well, love! Hope we get to connect soon!
Kyia! I so hear you! It really does take a village. But I feel like it is in our DNA how things used to be — having generations of women around us all day — and really, throughout our lives. And I “miss” that. Ok you and I have got to get our art and writing together!
Great things to think about Lisa! It’s so true, and it’s good to be reminded of everything you’ve written. I agree that it’s so helpful to have other parents to talk through things with, and it seems that our world is often so busy and we don’t take enough time for the little things. If you’re ever interested in getting a parenting group together just to hang or for support or anything, I’d love to join you!
Angela, yep, let’s do it. Let’s hang and/or get a parenting group together. I’d love it. Email me!
Another lovely article. I wish I could say I need to observe myself for a bit to have the answer to this question, but I don’t…I do the exact same thing. His name comes out mostly in the frustrated moments, we do have lots of connected moments when his name is used too, but I’m all too aware of how awfully I will say his name sometimes. And I wish I could say I would never do that to my spouse, but I definitely can’t say that. 🙁 This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while and I can at least say there have been some moments lately when I have been able to stop mid mama-tantrum and back up and start over. The frustration of doing it all is usually what is driving my melt downs too. I try letting things go around the house but then we aren’t comfortable in our home, a small space just really needs to be cleanish. I get really stuck when I try to think about how to make things smoother, how to get the breaks when there seems to be no way to get them…or at least no way that doesn’t include a whole new list of things.
Thanks for another great post!
Hey Krista! I really appreciate your candor! I’m always struck by what you write – the depth and honesty that you share with.
Yes, I too get stuck thinking about how to get the breaks we need, make things smoother, etc.
I love the phrase “mama tantrum” — I read it “Mama trauma” which is interesting b/c as I know more and more about neurobiology and the impact of stress and mini-traumas on the nervous system, I do think that some times our “mama tantrums” are b/c of cultural “mini traumas” that parents experience. No, our physical lives aren’t being threatened, but our emotional and spiritual and communal lives ARE. Just look at the tone of all the commercials, books, ads, etc and I see how they play on our sense of insecurity, doubt, and leave us feeling even more anxious. (I guess don’t get me started on this. I did a whole thing on this in grad school 10 yrs ago).
Anyhow, I do believe, too, like you, that there are ways of instantly waking up in the moment of stress, breathing, and trying again. We have many great moments of connecting w/ Aidan like you do with Kana. And maybe some of this is me trying to be perfect and some of that anxiety coming out about wanting to make sure that healthy connection with our son stays in tact. But some of this too is me waking up and realizing a. how every new moment is an opportunity for me to choose connection and b. what I need in terms of feeling resourced in order to be able to be so mindful! Thanks for chatting/dialoguing w/ me! Oh it’s such a process. I gotta go easy on myself too! Love to you!
Oh, I just love this post! I too believe I use pet names when I’m feeling patient. Then when I’ve respectfully asked a few times for something to stop, I feel (at the time) that I have every right to be a bit stern when I say her name. But hearing my own name in that tone does make me feel quite small, what a good point. I so appreciate the new perspective!
Hi Jesse, thank you for sharing! I hear you about being stern — there’s nothing wrong with being firm. I was finding that I wasn’t being KIND as well. I can be firm when I am grounded and not reacting — and I can respond with kindness. That is what I was getting at here. I was saying my son’s name out of frustration with something that really didn’t have to do with him and when I needed to get his attention I realized that I could say his name kindly and firmly. It’s been four years of really being conscious of how I say my children’s names — it’s been eye opening. I’m glad this could offer you a new perspective. I look forward to connecting with you! Blessings, Lisa
I like the article and I agree with the broader message…
If I got my parenting advice from my family, I’d be making a huge mistake. I’ve learned a lot about parenting from my family. Most of it is what NOT to do. What NEVER to do.
Being able to read books by experts instead of trusting advice from my parents that I know from experience will be bed for my son is important. Being able to find a tribe online and use them for support, for a sounding board, is sometimes a better idea than being told how wrong I am by people who I know got it very wrong.
I’m sure one day, when my son is older and has maybe heard the story of my childhood, he’ll be grateful that I found a tribe online and researched positive parenting methods and read articles like this instead of listening to awful out dated and hurtful advice from my biological family.