Part One

I’ve been thinking about what motivates our children to use the potty, get dressed and ready for school, do their homework, and apply to college.

Is it m&m’s for toddlers, video games for elementary schoolers, and getting to stay out later for our teenagers?

Some of those external motivators may work some of the time.  They may “get” our kids to do something.  It might make our long day a little quieter with fewer power struggles.  And we might get a minute to ourselves – to pee, eat, drive in peace, or make dinner.

Awhile back, I promised myself I’d never use external motivators with my children.  I should’ve known better than to say “never!”

Yesterday I just tried to bribe our three year old to finally go poop in the potty…with…

wait for it…

food!

That broke one of my biggest “mama rules” about motivating children!  And guess what?  It worked, Ok, well he tried.  And we gave him a popcicle for trying.

And I felt like crap (no pun intended!).

I know – as a therapist, as a mama in tune with her kiddos – the dangers of offering food, money, or a toy to motivate children.  Eventually, they look for praise and feeling good about themselves from some external source.

I know that we want to nurture our kiddos in such a way that they want to do these things – like poop in the potty, do their homework, apply to college – because they feel good about themselves and so they are internally motivated to do these things.

I’ve seen how that requires patience on a parent’s part.  Patience to “go with their flow.”  Patience to allow them to experience the natural consequences of their choices – with nurturance and guidance from us.

That requires time.  It requires feeling and being resourced as a parent.  It requires that we give up someone else’s timetable.

But that is hard, isn’t it?

And so as of yesterday, I’m coming down off my soapbox on this issue!

I am reminded of keeping things in balance.  A little external motivator may be just fine – some of the time.  I can lighten up and offer a Popsicle sometimes.

But all while I seek to address the “bigger” issue.  And this is where mindfulness comes in.

Here are some good questions to ask when we find ourselves trying to “get” our children to do something:

Why am I pushing this?

Is this really a big deal?

I do believe that when we ask those kinds of mindfulness questions, we often realize that this is no big deal and us pushing our kiddos really isn’t about this issue – it’s about some fear or need of ours.

And we can balance those times of using external motivators with following our children’s timetable and nurturing their sense of self in such a way that they want to poop in the potty, help clean the house, do well in school…because the good feeling they get inside from doing these things is reward enough.

What I think truly motivates our children is the same thing that motivates us…connection.

Connection to their own healthy sense of self.

Connection to their caregivers.

Connection to their peers and other important adults.

So today…

Just seek to connect with your child.  Connecting with them in a truly authentic and kind way will go a long way in shaping your child’s behavior.

**  Check out Part 2 to What Motivates our Children.  And if this post resonated with you, would you share it with someone you think would be nourished by reading it?  Thank you so much!