Update from the other day’s blog, What Motivates our Children: Part One: the Popsicle didn’t work. And I felt weird about using food as bait for my kiddo to do something. I knew it just wasn’t right. So I dropped it.
Then one day last week we were playing in the back yard. I was rocking C. in the hammock and A. shouted, “Mama, I gotta go poop!” He threw down his work tools (yes, he always has a screwdriver in his hand) and ran inside.
Still holding C., I sat there for a moment, “Do I get up or just stay here?” Then I had an image of poop all over the floor and A. I got up.
As I got inside, A. was jumping off the big potty saying, “Mama, I did it! I pooped on the potty! AND I wiped my own bum!” Low and behold, he did it. Without a Popsicle.
This whole poop thing has reminded me AGAIN that what motivates our kiddos is connection.
They want to feel connected to mom and dad, other kiddos, and important adults in their lives.
They want to join us in whatever we are doing.
They want to feel special, important, valued, and included.
They want to connect to their own Self – the part of them that knows they are whole and is confident.
Here are two tips for building connection:
1. I love, love, love Jane Nelsen’s idea of “connect before correct.” Check out my post, “Time out doesn’t work.” All those suggestions help to discipline in ways that maintain a connection.
Quick examples:
Dr. Nelsen suggest that when your kiddo is upset and acting out, first offer a hug. This doesn’t condone the behavior – it connects you two again.
When your kiddo is whining, use humor (not teasing). Be playful. Lay down on the floor and roll around and say in a funny voice, “Man o man is it hot outside!”
2. Meet your child where they are at – no judgment, no trying to push them along.
Yes, it’s hard to listen to other parents about how “advanced” their children are. Yes, it’s embarrassing when your kiddo has a tantrum in public. Yes, you’ve got a vision for your child and you wanted them to be doing a certain something by a certain age. Get over it.
You pushing won’t motivate them to “hurry it along.” You caring more about their grades or sports performance than they do won’t encourage them to do better.
What WILL encourage them is this:
Allowing them to experience the natural, age-appropriate consequences of their choices without saving them.
Allowing them to be exactly where they are at emotionally and developmentally, offering support as needed.
Accepting them for who they are right now.
How would this look? An example:
Tantruming child.
Get your own self together first. Get grounded. Take a sacred pause.
Then go to child.
Say, “We are going to go outside and take a break. I’ll stay with you until you are feeling better.” Then just go outside (or to the lobby or wherever).
Let them cry and cry. Say very little. Actually, try to not say anything.
Your presence conveys the message, “I am here. I can handle your strong emotions. I’ll stay with you.”
When they are done crying, ask, “Do you feel better? Want to go back and play?” Give them a hug and then carry on.
How about a teenager who is getting bad grades?
You talk WITH them.
You go to them with an attitude of trying to understand what’s going on without assuming they are lazy or obstinate.
You LISTEN more than you talk.
You offer to help them with their math or science giving very precise times when you’ll be available. If they show, great. If not, you let them experience the consequences of not having their homework done or not studying for the test.
If you have specific questions, email me!
Basically, we all could use some:
sllllllowing down,
hanging out with our kiddos,
LISTENING to them,
and seeking to connect to them before we correct them.
They really do just want US – from the tots to the teens.
** If this post resonated with you, would you share it with someone you think would be nourished by reading it? Thank you so much!
Blessings,
Lisa, Another great post. I want to add that children are also motivated by the experience of feeling “capable.” Your son shared his excitement about feeling so capable. Offering a popsicle would diminish that because he would now focus on the importance of “getting something” instead of just enjoying his feeling of capability. Most parents don’t realize that children are always making decisions that shape their personalities. Do we want the to decide, “I am capable,” or, “I’m supposed to get something from someones else every time I accomplish something?”
Hi Jane, Thanks for your post. Yes, a great reminder — kiddos are also motivated by feeling capable. Offering a popsicle wasn’t a great moment in our parenting experience!!! It was actually the first time that we tried using an external motivator w/ our son — almost just to see/test it to see how we felt, what happened, etc (so it’s funny – we entered in to it mindfully). Well, as you read in my post, it didn’t feel right. We hadn’t used anything like that when A. was learning how to pee in the toilet. He just did it. Well, that’s what ended up happening with poop, too — he just decided to do it one day. Though poop happened 7 months later than when he used the potty for pee, I’m glad we did it this way. We both encouraged and followed his lead. NO STRUGGLE. This now is an experience we have “under our belt” as parents and will be able to “pull out”, hopefully, when we start to hit other milestones.
And actuallly, in my work as a psychotherapist and knowing about trauma…shortly after this post, I was rereading part of an excellent book, Trauma-proofing your kids. In it Peter Levine talks about how early experiences such as “forced potty training” sets it for children to not trust their own bodies — which, if we are talking about preventing any kind of sexual trauma, we want children to be able to clue into the sensations they are having in their body and trust them — if it doesn’t seem/feel right, it’s not.
Thanks, Jane. I’ll probably do a post about feeling capable at some point.
I love the photos you post. I’m starting a meditation group for parents of young children. May I use some of your photos on the flyer?
Sending you a smile,
Jan
Jan…tell me more! Please email me at lmccrohan@gmail.com