I often see couples in therapy who really do care for each other – but what they are experiencing is, as Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men, “a failure to communicate.”

What’s happening?  Sometimes it may be that they are speaking different love languages.  One simple way I have found to be effective in quickly improving communication is to figure out who is speaking what language and then coach the couple in each using the love language of their partner when they want to communicate “I love you” and “I care for you.”

What’s a love language?

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote an easy-to-read book called The Five Love Languages.  A love language, as Dr. Chapman explains, “is a way of expressing and interpreting love.”  He writes that there are five universal love languages and we all have a primary one that we like to “speak” – or rather use when giving love and get when receiving love:

Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch

How do I figure out my love language?

Here’s the gist:

Ask yourself, “How do I usually give (demonstrate) love?” Is it through a written card? Spending time with that person? Do I always have a little something to give them?  Do I do things for them?  Do I reach out and touch the person?

Ask yourself, “When do I feel most loved?  When do I get that warm fuzzy feeling and know, ‘ahhhh, they really love me’?” Is it when they talk to me and tell me what a great spouse I am?  When we hang out together?  When I receive a gift from them?  When they do something for me?  When we embrace/hug/kiss/carress?

(A great indicator to our primary love language:  how we give love is usually how we like to get it back!)

Can you see where there might be a ‘failure to communicate?’  It might be that you are speaking one language and your spouse is speaking another – and you both don’t feel “heard” (loved, seen, cared for…).

The truth may NOT be that your partner doesn’t love, see, or care for you.  You just might be speaking or sharing your love using a different language.

What to do?

Once you identify your primary love language and that of your partner, when you want to connect to them, begin by speaking their language!  (Imagine if both people in the relationship speak the other person’s language – they’ll both feel heard and loved!)

How does that look?

Ok, let’s say Jim’s primary love language is acts of service and his wife, Sally, hers is words of affirmation.  Jim and Sally really care for each other.  Jim shows her that by working hard at his job, making her coffee, or getting her car washed.  Sally shows that she cares by complimenting Jim and telling him how much and why she loves him.

But neither of them feels loved, heard, or cared for.  Jim is confused because he does all this stuff for her.  Sally is confused because she is constantly telling him what she appreciates about him.

Jim and Sally come to therapy.  They start to understand what their love languages are.  Jim begins trying to TELL Sally things like, he loves her and what he appreciates about her (some times it’s as easy as saying your partner’s name in a kind way!).

Sally begins trying to notice little things she can DO for him to show she is thinking of him, like making his coffee, getting his car washed (the same stuff he was doing for her!), etc.

After a few weeks of being mindful of each other’s love language, they may both report in therapy that they feel more heard, seen, appreciated, and connected to each other.

I have found the love languages to be a nifty tool in a couple learning to become mindful of how to effectively connect to each other. They learn that it may not be that their partner is this mean and selfish person!  But rather they are just using different languages to demonstrate their affection. And once they become mindful of their partner’s love language, they can speak to them in a way that leaves their beloved with that feeling of “ahhhhh, I am so loved!”