This is how my husband holds us — quietly, adoringly, patiently, and whole-heartedly.
Sure, he builds stuff, mows the lawn, escorts stink bugs out of the house, and fixes our electronics. But he also does the laundry and separates the colors. He washes the dishes and vacuums the house. He cooks up an awesome fish stew and bakes banana bread.
Did I mention he works full-time outside the house?!
But one of the things I most appreciate about our partnership is that Brian is an equal partner when it comes to the parenting of our children.
On the days/evenings I am working and Brian is home with them, I don’t worry about how the kiddos will be – if they’ll eat something nutritious, if they’ll be tended to with a mindful heart and an attentive eye, if they’ll be dressed ok for the weather, or if they’ll get a bath.
He isn’t the babysitter. He’s the dad. We are co-parents.
He doesn’t just hose our kids down for a bath – he knows how to lovingly wash behind their ears and under their chins. He knows our three-year old son’s favorite tool, how he likes his bagel before bedtime, and when A.’s on the verge of being overwhelmed and needs a hug. He knows the particular “tired baby” signs of our six month old daughter. He knows the way she likes to be held and rocked at bedtime. He cares about how he parents — he wants to be a mindful dad, trying to “connect before correct.” He intently watches and deeply knows and so lovingly regards both of our children, seeking to create a nurturing space for them to flourish.
I DON”T HOLD ALL THAT ALONE. And that makes me exhale.
He’s not the babysitter. He’s my equal partner.
How he parents, how he loves, how he holds our children and this world reminds me of a quote from W.B. Yeats that we have hanging in our home:
“We can make our minds so like still water that beings gather about us that they may see, it may be, their own images, and so live for a moment with a clearer, perhaps even with a fiercer life because of our quiet.”
What sweetness. And for that, I am ETERNALLY grateful, partner.
How do other moms have it? How do you divide up the work, the worrying, and the parenting? How do you share it?
Blessings,
Our division is slightly different but I love this description – and one of my peeves for a LONG time has been when moms say their husband is “babysitting.” It drives me nuts and I’ve definitely been more outspoken than I ought to have been in saying: no, he is PARENTING!
xox
That’s such a a wonderful post and you are one lucky woman! But more than that your kids are lucky children! I know I don’t even have to tell you all that but honestly I don’t have it as good as you. I don’t have it bad, but I do do the lion’s share (lionesses share?) of the parenting at our house. I don’t like it that I have to ask my husband to go in and say good night to the kids after I’ve read them a story and helped brush their teeth and tucked them in. I don’t like that it’s a monumental occasion when he sweeps the floor or remembers when the recycling comes. You could say we live in a feminist home because I don’t mind doing the “men’s jobs” around the house, but truly I wish he did as well. He *is* a good man. He takes the kids to the park and swimming and helps homeschool our oldest daughter. But reading posts like yours always make me feel like I’m missing out too.
Melodie, I hear you.
What brought this post about for me was the other day when I just stopped and watched Brian and my heart was moved with such gratitude for him. I hadn’t acknowledged that lately – we’ve been so busy…too much for me, actually — a misjudgment in how much energy we’d need for some things this fall. This was less about a right and wrong way of dividing things up and more about that I’m so grateful I do have a co-parent/partner in the worrying, caring for, and tending to our kiddos. It is HEALING BALM for me to have such accompaniment. I can get anxious. And Brian’s soothing presence in my life and his co-parenting w/ me helps my heart to EXHALE — I’M NOT CARRYING IT ALL ALONE (an issue of mine!).
I hear you that your husband is a good man and that he takes the kiddos to the park AND homeschools your oldest daughter! (that is somethin’!). I hear you about asking your husband to go in and say goodnight to the kiddos and that it’s a big thing when he does something like remembering to take the recycling out — and wanting that to be different. I think we are not immune from cultural and societal influences — even when we are being conscious of “doing something different than the norm.” So I do think that the stereotypes of our culture do come in to play when we take on certain roles and the expectations and assumptions we have – without even knowing it. (I’m rambling here…two kiddos and just me — one is up to his elbows in paint as I write!).
So much of what I’m about – for myself and for women – is the flourishing of our hearts and relationships. Rather than holding a particular stance on a particular issue, I try and listen and support the choices of women that support their flourishment. Not everyone needs to have a partner who is as involved as my husband – so that isn’t for them. They WANT to be the one who does the majority of the parenting. (Same thing about nursing vs. bottle feeding, co-sleeping vs. crib…all that stuff that tends to divide us women). You are only “missing out” if there is something longing in you or you feel alone — then that needs to change, shift…or be surrendered. Oh anyhow, lovely to chat w/ you, sweet friend!
Ahhhh, so true, Lindsey! I WAS going to start this off post off with a story that I remember from a friend who was telling me that she was talking with a dad and he was like, “Oh man, what time is it? I’ve got to go and babysit!” My friend was like, “Who are you babysitting?” And he said, “Oh, my kids.” And my friend was like “You aren’t babysitting – you’re parenting!!!” So true. Mostly I am just really grateful that I don’t carry all the tending to our kiddos alone – their mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, social development. For who I am, I couldn’t have had it any other way. Lindsey, I would bet you are married to a man who holds a lot of that with you as well. 🙂
I cannot agree more – I have a wonderful, loving husband who is truly a blessing in my life. We are both of the “co-parenting” mindset though I have to admit, when I have something I need to do, I usually ask if he can watch the kids, so I can leave the house rather than asking him to parent the kids. I do not think of him as a babysitter, and he doesn’t think of himself that way either. Thanks to coparenting, I was able to go out-of-town the last two weekends (way more than usual). My timing wasn’t the greatest, but he allowed me to spend a weekend doing something I never thought was possible – running in the Ragnar Relay, and he brought the kids to cheer me on, and then this past weekend, he parented, so I could catch up with some girlfriends from my grad school days! It was a blessing to get away knowing that the kids were well cared for!
Hi Angela, I can imagine that your hubby is “right in there” with you and the kiddos. He has helped me out more than once at church with my little ones — he knows just how to engage them and hold them. It’s funny, I say that too — “can you watch the kiddos…..” to Brian. I think it’s about the “changing of the guard” — can you be “on” parenting while I go and do such and such.
That’s soooooo wonderful — you running in the Ragnar Relay! You go girl! I can picture your kiddos and your hubby cheering you on! So wonderful! Yes, I’d imagine that you could focus on running knowing that they were ok — even MORE than ok — with your hubby. Thank you for sharing this! Lisa
You are so lucky. I wish I could be as confident as you in regards to being able to rely on my husband. He is a good man and we love each other very much and he loves our kids very much but he is from a household where his mom never worked and they had a nanny and housekeeper. In our home I’m all of those roles plus wife and mom and now I’m about to be working as a nurse in an ER which means some Saturdays I will have to work. My husband is the type that would just hose the kids off and has no clue what their teachers names are or what their schedules are even though I’ve told him many many times and have it all written down in an obvious and huge calendar in our office. I’m terrified to go back to work because of how off their schedules the kids will be upon my return every day and I don’t know how to gently and lovingly explain to my husband that I need an equal partner. He always says he is “happy to help me” but I don’t consider him doing his fair share of raising our kids as “helping me”, its what he should be doing for our family, not a favor for me… We your husband naturally inclined to be a co parent or did y’all have to discuss it?
Hey girl. I emailed you!