I have dreams. Big dreams. Before kiddos, I dreamed of creating the Barefoot Barn. I wanted to build a barn and retreat center in a beautiful spot surrounded by something vast in nature, create a community of like-hearted folks, and offer workshops and retreats to inspire, uplift, and connect us to our own sense of deep delight, each other, and the world. 
People would come for dance, dreaming, stillness, community, movement, and meditation. Some would live at the Barn and others would come for a visit. We all would be nourished – hearts, bodies, minds, and spirits..and feel encouraged to share it all with the world.
But then I had two tough pregnancies, two c-sections, walked around sleep deprived, traded in my little two-door Honda Civic for a Honda Odyssey, bought nursing bras, replaced our icecube trays with frozen bags of pumped milk, gained some extra “fluff” around my mid section, and now see going to the grocery store as “alone time.” We don’t live in the country. We don’t own a barn or run a retreat center.
And that Barefoot Barn community? Well, our ‘community’ today is not exactly as I had envisioned it! It’s now composed of playdates, quick calls to dear ones, a half-hour chat at a coffee shop with a friend in between seeing clients, online friends, connecting when I can to other healers and practitioners, a women’s group, and pooooosibly seeing my meditation teacher once a month.
A few times a week, Brian and I try to do a little meditation with our kiddos. The other morning it was just my daughter and I. My son was at preschool and Brian was at work. I brought the meditation bowl to the floor and let C. explore it. She quickly reached for the mallet and began to softly tap the bowl. She looked up at me. Something in her eyes spoke right to the depths of me:
“Mom, I am your ‘now’ right now.”
Of course I’ve known that. The immediacy demanded by a newborn, sick child, an overflowing toilet with too much toilet paper in it from a very thorough bum-wiping toddler, hungry kiddos demanding dinner – keep me focused on the present, keep me IN the present.
But sometimes in the present my dreams can feel so far off. I read other women’s blogs and hear stories of others living their dreams NOW. I can get discouraged. I can feel torn. I can jump to thinking that being right here in the present moment with wiping dirty bums and working toward my dreams of building the Barn and publishing books are mutually exclusive.
But I KNOW that they are not. What I am doing every day – from plunging the toilet to calling clients with little C. on my hip babbling away while A. is in the background saying “Mom! Mom! Who’s on the phone? I wanna talk!” – somehow IS the path to my dreams. Though many days I don’t see the connection.
That’s when I have to trust that small, still voice rising up out of my discouragement: “Just keep breathing. Just keep doing the next right thing.”
This runs counter to what we moms often hear in this culture: “NOW! Make it happen now! Embrace your dreams! Life is too short! Have it all! Go for it! NOW is the time!”
No. NOT now.
It is not the time right now for us to build the Barn. My dreams right now are about more sleep, half an hour at night to write a poem or call a friend, nourishing our bodies with healthy meals, getting to the Y or walking with a friend. Sometimes that feels like I am giving up, like I’m not actively following my dreams. 
Sometimes this “being so present in the present” chews me up and spits me back out – exhausted with little energy to even consider dreaming bigger beyond my bed. And I am left wondering when the last time it was that I actually did my hair, had on a shirt that didn’t have baby snot on it, or talked to someone about my hopes, dreams and aspirations. I can feel scattered and unfocused…and waaaay off my path of creating THE Barefoot Barn.
But the other day when C.’s old-soul eyes spoke to me, I knew that somehow just being present in THIS “now” was a pebble on that path to whatever the future may hold – Barn or no Barn.
The “next right thing” in this moment – this now – is sooooooo about letting go of our culture’s way of planning, plotting, doing, reaching for. And more about embracing the mystical way dreams can land right on my doorstep when the time is right…while wiping those little bums, resting my bones, strengthening my body from my c-sections, and jotting down a line of poetry or two before drifting off to sleep.
One evening a few years ago when I was feeling pretty depressed about not working toward building an actual Barn, Brian said to me, “Lis, the Barefoot Barn is wherever WE are.” He’s right. It’s right here in our “now,” though it looks completely different than I had imagined a long time ago!
I wrote about how my 2011 was going to be about softening, strengthening and forgiving. I’m softening my grip on my “future” dreams, strengthening my ability to discover the essence of the Barefoot Barn in my everyday, and forgiving myself for not making it all happen right now.
Wow…Lisa…did you crawl in my brain and eloquently profuse what I’ve felt for the past several years? I often feel guilty for wanting to be in the future and not in the bum-wiping moment, as much as I treasure and pleasure in my young kids. It is just plain HARD to be a good, present parent and everything else I WANT to be. I love the idea of softening and loosening… I think being goal-oriented, while great in some aspects, robs me of joy in others. Thanks so much for these wise words. Love ya!
Lis – the providence of your daily life is in many ways similar to so many moms out there, but your groundedness (I’m making up words now) is a blessing and a gift to all who surround you. Keeping focused on the present while dreaming of the future is how things happen. Don’t lose sight of your dreams – they will guide your decisions in the present.
Oh Angela, what you say is so right on. Yes the dreams “guide your decisions in the present”. Thank you for your kind words about me.
Anne – yep it is HARD, as you say. Gosh, isn’t it all really about BALANCE? You are right on — goal-oriented needs to be balanced w/ being open to the spontaneity of joy. And, as you know, I just signed up for the Warrior Dash — I needed something “goal oriented” in order to motivate me instead of just floundering around. In the bigger picture, though, I do find myself loosening my grip on controlling, planning, etc etc which I have soooooo done ummm…most of my life! Just balancin’ it with some “goin’ with the flow of the present moment” kind of energy. Love to you sweet friend.
Ooooh…this so speaks to the mommy in me! Another great post, Lisa!!! Thank you!!!
Another wonderful post! I was just forwarding this post to a friend of mine, and it struck me that your blog is actually serving a lot of the same needs you were hoping to meet with your Barefoot Barn: “to inspire, uplift, and connect us to our own sense of deep delight, each other, and the world.” I can absolutely imagine how wonderful the physical Barn might be someday, but as a gal 3000 miles away, I’m always grateful for your words of wisdom and inspiration online. 🙂
Oh Martha, your words made me stop in my tracks this morning (as C. was on my hip, A. was tugging at my shirt, Brian was leaving for work, a friend was coming over, etc etc). YOU ARE SO RIGHT! Oh what a shift in perspective your words have brought to me today. What I’ve been about — what the DIVINE has been about — through this blog is bringing alive the essence of the Barefoot Barn. The Barn is already here. Thank you. Thank you. Lisa
“I now see going to the grocery store as ‘alone time.'” > so true! I never got it when my mom wanted to just go grocery shop alone, but I do now, and it’s funny you mention that because it’s exactly times like those–those every day kind of moments–when I think of your words the most. Your so-important message of being in the moment, breathing it in and appreciating where you are right now, even if it’s in the grocery store or commuting or yeah, wiping a bum! You have created a Barn, just a virtual one! Maybe not the way you pictured it starting, but really, look how many people you reach with your words and ideas…your work and the way you communicate are such a great fit with my life these days, and looking at the comments, sounds like it true for a lot of people. You really have begun to build a brilliant foundation to what might (will!) some day become a physical space.
Rachel, YOUR encouragement means the world to me! You have been around since the “get go” of all this “Barn talk!” Your support, insights, ideas, and all the work you’ve done to create the Barn — I am just, as you know, in awe and so so grateful to you. Thank you, sweet friend.
As always you so eloquently put your feelings – as well as my own – to words. I’ve found myself feeling guilty over not working on my novel, not doing anything about furthering my education, not being where I’d thought I would be at this point in my life 10 yrs ago when everything seemed possible. But you are absolutely right. What we learn and experience now will help our dreams become reality, and don’t you think they will turn out that much better for it?
Lisa, have I told you about Frank’s & my dream of a quasi-commune? Maybe if we put our dreams together . . .
Rachel, it is a delight to be getting to know you. And the more I get to know you, the more I am in awe of what power is packed into that little body of yours! Big heart, deep thoughts! See you tomorrow!