I finally arrived at my friend’s house after packing up the kiddos, turning around to get the toy my son had forgotten at home and wanted to give to his friend, returning an important phone call, packing my things to head off to work in an hour when my husband would meet me at our friend’s house and where I’d hand the kiddos off to him, and handing out snacks to the kiddos as we drove…and when we arrived there my friend was ON THE PHONE. Here’s what went through my mind in a millisecond:
{My heart slumping forward a bit}, “Oh, weren’t you ready and watching for us? It took so much effort to get here and I was so excited to see you and now it’s like that is no big deal. I really care for you and love us hanging out.” {Now anger kicking in, chest puffed up}, “Do you know what I did to get here?! You shouldn’t be on the phone!”
Hurt. Then anger. Then judgment.
Do you see the cascade of self-righteousness?! Separateness – a “me” and “them.” A distancing. My world becoming myopic as I felt justified to feel this way. My body becoming rigid. Embarrassing, eh?! But it’s true, this happens!
Has this happened to you?
There are situations like this every day over this way! Taking personally the driver who cuts me off or the check-out counter dude who throws my stuff in those flimbsy plastic bags that inevitably break when I’m walking up the stairs to our house or when Brian leaves his stuff on the island in the kitchen.
All of this happened in about 5 seconds. Then I noticed this internal reaction. I breathed. And I said to myself, “Don’t take it personally.”
The minute I said that to myself a whole cascade of new reactions happened.
Spaciousness. Lightening up. My grip on my anger and self-righteousness loosened. The lens of my view widened. “It’s not personal.” And I began believing that.
And then…even more good stuff… I softened and extended some compassion to my dear friend: “We’ve got to support each other as women, as moms. I’d want the same kind of allowing and spaciousness to just be where I’m at. I know how little time each of us has to ‘take care of business’, to make a phone call, to have a moment.”
And my heart then became gracious, supportive, and connected again to my dear friend, a fellow mindful mama in the trenches. My heart widened and opened so wide. And I loved her…and myself.
I decided to focus on my little C. busy investigating the coffee table. And I relaxed, delighting in my daughter and feeling connected again to my friend.
ALL IN ABOUT 30 SECONDS! I laughed. I watched how my relationship to the experience changed as I just breathed and said, “Don’t take it personally.” And for a moment, I was able to see clearly again. We’re all in this together. And offering spaciousness just to be exactly as we are is such loveliness. We all want that. Thanks to all of you who extend such lovely spaciousness to me, including my dear friend!
So here’s to “not taking it personally” when our partners leave the toilet seat up, a friend forgets to call, a co-worker acts gruff, or a stranger in line behind us bumps her cart into our heels. “It’s not personal.”
Blessings,
Ah Lisa, as always your post rings so true. Thanks for the gentle reminder that not everything is about us. We’re all in this together. xx
Hello Shelley! Yes, even across oceans, we are all in this together!
YES this happens to me ALL the time! Again I applaud your courageousness for sharing and being another reminder that we are all in this life together.
Ahh, thanks, Laura. Yes, it does take a bit of courage to “put this out there.” I first had to muster up the courage (or more accurately breathe in the courage!) to call my dear friend and read this to her first and get her permission!
Thanks for the reminder – I could have used it a bit earlier when I had to put myself in time out. 🙂
Angela, I often put myself in “time out” so that I won’t lose it!
So true, Lisa. It reminds me of a G.K.Chesterton quote that has been in the forefront of my mind the past few weeks: “We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.” Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!
Oh Margaret, thank you for reminding us all of this lovely quote. Yes, we owe each other a deep sense of loyalty…just by the mere fact that we are all human, all with the same desire to be loved, to belong, and to love. (ok and along with access to high quality medical attention, education, jobs! there’s me on my social justice soap box!). But seriously, thank you.
Wow, Lisa! This one really registered with me! This should be the daily mantra of everyone that lives in or in the vicinity of NYC! Thanks for sharing! XO, Helen
Helen, I so hear you! When I go down to DC, I think the same thing! I’ve just been so moved lately by this little line “drop the story” and “don’t take it personally.” We’ll see what “clearings” are created!
Not taking things personally invites spaciousness. Yes! The heart opens and relaxes. Lovely thoughts Lisa. They remind me of the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Much love to you dear!