This fall, I found myself feeling irritate with Brian. (I know, how could I be upset with this sweet face?! It happens!)
I kept focusing on what he wasn’t doing “right” (cough. um…MY way). This didn’t make anyone happy. Including me.
I decided to stop whining and do something. I heard a great idea:
1. Make a list of the things you love about your partner.
2. Share it with them.
3. Make a list of the things you want your partner to do differently.
4. Throw it away. (They ain’t gonna change)
5. Make a list of the things you can do for your partner.
6. Start doing them.
I needed that “kick-in-the-butt” kind of love. So, this is what I did:
1. I made a list of the things I love about Brian. It was long.
2. I shared it with him. A few times.
3. I never made the second list (see why below)
5. I made a list of the things I could do for Brian.
6. I started to do them.
This is what I discovered:
1. Brian does MORE than enough.
2. I’VE got some work to do.
3. As I wrote out the things I love about Brian, my heart softened.
4. I stopped focusing on how I wanted things to be different.
5. When it came time to write the list of things I wanted to change about Brian, this is what I wrote:
Nothing. I couldn’t think of a single thing Brian had to change. I felt sorry for being so hard on Brian and asked him to forgive me.
6. I felt empowered by focusing on what I could do for Brian.
7. Some of the things that frustrate me about Brian are actually things that I wish I was more like (eg. how easy-going he is). So I decided to figure out ways I could “practice being Brian”…in my own “Lisa” way.
So what happened?
I started to appreciate, once again, who Brian is and how he loves us and this world. I started to focus on the little things that I could do for him to see him happy. I started tucking in the sheets for him, moving the seat back in the car, quietly touching his shoulder and looking at him for a moment in the “kitchen chaos” in the morning. I have started to feel lighter, empowered, and connected to Brian again. And Brian has started to smile more, too.
Stuff still bugs me. In those moments, I breathe, change my focus, and I say something like “Let it go, Lis. No big deal.” Or I remind myself of how Brian truly loves me and is a goooood man. And he is human. I give him a break. I give myself a break. I remind myself that there’s ALWAYS something I can do to stay frustrated and turn away or be lighter and connect. I’m working on choosing “connection.” It just feels better.
Blessings,
Wonderful, wonderful post Lis. Came at a time when it’s needed. I’ve been realising that I’ve been taking F for granted lately – a lot. And that I’ve been selfish. Time to make him a priority. And time to appreciate and respect the things that he does differently. You are absolutely right – no changes needed, except perhaps a change in MY attitude!
Rach, you brought up exactly what happened — I started to take for granted the awesome stuff Bri does and focus instead on “the other stuff.” I know that this just happens at times in relationships and I think I was needing to be in a new “season!” Love to you girl!
This is such a great post! I have found myself focussing too much on what my husband does “wrong” and not enough on the million things he does right! I don’t know why I haven’t thought to do an exercise like this before, but I am definitely going to do it now! Thanks 🙂
Amy, yep, I know…changing our focus so we see and notice the millions of things our hubbies do that are so awesome instead on the few things that bug us. I think that focusing on the “frustrating stuff” is in the water — it’s all over in our culture — on commercials, etc. Thanks for your comment. I’ll be curious to see what happens after you do these exercises. Email me off line!
This is a great reminder not only on how to think about/treat our partners, but friends and children as well. Thanks for sharing!
Ahhh, Angela, good point.