sunrise

Ever since I can remember, I had been scared of my parents dying.  My dad remembers when I was in middle school and we were traveling with my soccer team to a tournament in North Carolina.  My dad was getting dressed and I saw gray hair on his chest (he was all of 40 or so, the age I am now!).  “Dad!” I cried with tears streaming down my face, “You are dying!”

This fear of my parents dying had kept me frozen.  It kept me from living.  And it made me hold back – in many of my most important relationships.

I have explored what the origins of that fear may be; I’ve tried to dissect, understand, and identify the source.  But such “work” never brought me any closer to healing the fear.   Over the last few years, this fear has started to lose its grip on me.  Little by little.  And oddly enough, this comes at a time when my parents are aging.  Dad retires this month.

And it’s not through trying harder, denying death, or trying to get rid of it.

I have always believed in a Divine presence. I’ve never needed to “know” what “comes after death” in this lifetime.  I do not think ANY one religion has the monopoly on truth when it comes to “the after-life.”  I have always just known that whatever happens, it has to be lovely.  And gentle.  It’s home.

But we can know something and still not be “healed.”  Information — in the form of a thought, knowledge, or even a cognitive belief — informs.  It doesn’t heal.  So I can “know” that there is some divine presence and that everything will be ok, but my BODY, NERVOUS SYSTEM, and HEART are still full of fear.

Healing happens in our bodies.  It is here, in our cells, in our tissues, in our nervous systems, in our BODIES that we hold all our memories, experiences, interactions.  It is in our bodies that we hold the fears (and joys) that arise out of those experiences.  So,  it is IN THE BODY where we “go” to heal these tender wounds.

How?  How do we heal (note: “heal” isn’t another word for “get rid of the damn ache”) our fears?

Noticing what arises when we become fearful. 

Noticing the sensations that arise. 

Breathing.  Allowing. 

Holding each image that arises with gentleness, as though we were holding a small child. 

Giving it all a lot of spaciousness. 

Connecting to our hearts. 

Allowing the body to do what it needs to do.

Mindfulness. Radical acceptance. 

Spaciousness. Gentleness.

Doing very little.

These are healing balm. This is how any fear dissolves.

It’s not through analyzing our fears or dissecting them. It’s feeling them in our bodies and letting the body’s innate wisdom to do what it needs to do.

Is this difficult to do? In some ways, maybe.  In this culture of busy and being “on the go,” we don’t pause much.  There’s little spaciousness in our day and therefore little spaciousness for our hearts and bodies to heal.  We’re taught to analyze, dissect, and “go after” a symptom with brute force.

Our mainstream culture fears death.  We are “sold” every day on ways to preserve and hang on to youth.  But this keeps us in denial that we will all meet death.  You, me, those dear to us.   We will all meet death.

Instead of being frozen with fear, I find that I am thawing out.  I am beginning to LIVE this one precious, wild life, with a deep clarity that death will meet me some day.  I am finding that fear dissolves in light and spaciousness.  I am finding that fear may always be present — and its presence can be a way of making my heart tender and so so aware of the preciousness of this very moment.

And I hope that my last breath is the same as this one I take right now: full of gratitude and true contentment.  I hope that I have lived a life of being ALIVE and tender.  I hope I have followed the delights of my heart with no regrets…surrendering to Home.

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Dear friends, maybe you are tired of trying so hard, running so fast, waking up in the middle of the night with panic in your nervous system.  Maybe it’s time to put down the arsenal of ways you’ve kept your fear and bay.  Maybe it’s time to bring that fear “closer in” – with gentleness, compassion, and deep regard.  Yes, maybe it’s time to bow to your fears and see them not as obstacles in your path, but THE path.  Maybe they are messengers to open your heart and surrender, finally surrender, and return to Home.  We heal in the body, attuning to the sensations as they arise.  With breath, tenderness, and spaciousness, we can abide in a deep rest — that is what I call “healing.”

If it would be nourishing to have someone hold space for you, I offer compassion coaching – both in person and over the phone.  Sometimes, too, we need a daily touchstone to remind us to be gentle and kind and loving toward ourselves…and to meet each experience with kindness.  I think this poetic wrist wrap, Free,  is a lovely touchstone.

Blessings,

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