hold a dear one
We all have them. Parts of ourselves that we try to avoid looking at. Parts we deny are there. Parts we get furious with for being “weak” and “wanting attention.”
The angry, guilty, ashamed, resentful, judgmental, rage-full, needy parts. How about the “no way in the world will I tell anyone about this” part?
We tend to try and push these parts to the side or get ride of them. Other times, we get consumed by them. Most often, we judge them – and ourselves.
And we most often hide them. We don’t share them with others. We hold them – alone.
This doesn’t heal! Pushing those parts away doesn’t really keep them at bay. The energy of trying to keep at bay those parts of ourselves is like trying to hold down a beach ball under water. It’s exhausting and takes a lot of focus and energy. What inevitably happens? Yep – we lose touch on the ball and it shoots right up. They show back up with a vengeance. And then they often become the tyrant that rules the roost. We begin to BELIEVE and over-identify with those parts. “I’m too needy”, “I’m a mess, “No one would really love me if they knew me.”
Sisters, there IS another way! I see this in my own life. I see it in the lives of the women I accompany in coaching and counseling. We could all use a big dose of gentleness and kindness. EVERY day. Not just here and there. But MANY times a day!
Three Tips to Mother Yourself
1. Allow those painful parts to be seen. Without reacting to them, pushing them away, getting lost in their “story.” Just let them be. Say to them, “I see you,” with kindness and regard.
EVERY one wants to be seen. So do the parts of you that you often push away. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnemese Buddhist monk, talks about the transforming power of just this simple act of saying “I see you.”
I teach this to ALL my clients. Say to all those parts of yourself, “I see you” and “I’m here with you.”
It can feel crazy to do this – at first! But when you do this several times a day (because in just one day, you’ll have at least 10 times where you’ll be triggered and you can practice this!) over several months and years…you’ll see how those shameful parts — those disgusted parts — will soften. You will begin to relate to them with kindness and regard. And they won’t rule the roost anymore.
2. Breathe. Take a sacred pause and just feel yourself being breathed. For just a moment or two. This creates a sense of spaciousness as you continue to say “I see you” to that part and give it kindness.
Pausing critical. Have you read this quote before by Viktor Frankl? He was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Everything begins with pausing. Pausing the usual habit to “go at it alone” or push away what is uncomfortable. Pausing the Controller who often wants to squash those parts of you. Let yourself exhale, sweet mama. Combine this pausing with the “I see you” and a posture of kindness and you’ve created an opportunity for radical self-compassion to be your norm.
3. As our beloved Thich Nhat Hanh says, treat them as a ‘dear one,’ as a mother holding and tending to and embracing her little one.  Yes, that’s right. The parts you have been trying to push down for years, maybe decades, you embrace them and hold them like a mother holding her child. And notice how you soften. Notice how these “dreaded” and feared parts of yourself lose some of their power as you hold them with kindness and in spaciousness.
And you don’t have to DO anything, mama, to make those ashamed or painful parts go away or stop. You just hold them as if you were holding a little one in those beautiful arms of yours. This is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. And a sense of lightness arises.
You know how to hold your babies. You’ve rocked them to sleep, you’ve been up with them in the middle of the night for hours, you’ve jumped out of bed when your little one is throwing up, you’ve leaped across the playground to sweep your sweet love into your arms when she fell off and hurt herself, and you’ve been there when your dear son has his head down in defeat to say “I’m your biggest fan!”
LOVE all your parts with this much mothering. Treat yourself as a dear one — just like you would your children.
THIS is radical, moms. This is a radical way to go about motherhood. It’s time we mother ourselves with the utmost of tender care that we KNOW how to give our dear ones. Now it’s time we give such care and regard to ourselves.
“Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance…When we practice Radical Acceptance, we begin with the fears and wounds of our own life and discover that our heart of compassion widens endlessly. In holding ourselves with compassion we become free to love this living world. This is the blessing of Radical Acceptance; As we free ourselves from the suffering of ‘something is wrong with me,’ we trust and express the fullness of who we are.” – Tara Brach
*Sign up below to get new posts in your inbox.
*Join us on Facebook, too!
Blessings,
Thank you Lisa for this post. I really needed to read this now. Being in tears, upset, and feeling like it’s not even worth the efforts i am doing. This helps. If no one is “seeing” or understanding what is going on, at least I do. I can understand my own pain. Thank you <3
Ahhh, Nikky, you’ve got it! Yes, offering your own self that compassion and “seeing.”
I love the image and your words…if only we could do this for ourselves more…what a different life we would all be living. Thank you!
Thanks, Erin. Yes, i agree. I am seeing now as a mom to two little ones is that I have to practice this stuff – for me, for my kiddos. Their ability to show themselves compassion is directly linked to my ability (and the structure of my nervous system) to offer myself compassion. I realize though how I can do this practice in little doses throughout the day. I know you know how this is!
Your reminders though are necessary. No matter how good I try, I certainly sometimes fail at being compassionate to myself, and your words echo in my being, so I thank you! I just shared your post on my page…such wonderful wisdom!
you are amazing and I am so blessed to know you!!! thank you again for being YOU today and giving me reminders that make it easier each day!!!
Hi Tammy, thank you so much for your words of kindness. I am really glad you find something here that resonates with you!
Wonderful post, thank you x
Thank you, viv!
Thank you for this profound and beautiful post! I will work with these wise steps.
What a wonderful gentle reminder to allow us to feel pain and not be afraid or ashamed of it. It is in these times when we have much to gain and learn if only we allow it to happen in it’s own time. I think point 2. Breathe. Take a sacred time-out, is so important… women all too often forget to do this… I lived many years neglecting that oh so important time out for myself. As always beautiful words form a beautiful soul.
Julz, your words to me are so beautiful. I have read them a few times now — on my iphone and computer! Yes, breathe — take a sacred time-out. Yes, so many of us have lived YEARS (maybe even decades) not caring for ourselves and SEEING ourselves. This particular post is filled with what I most often share with EVERY single client I see.
This beautiful post continues to offer me comfort and support through the ups and downs and fun 😉 of living, learning and growing. Rather than just do a repost, I made a post today that is a celebration of this poster and article, and you. I’ve included a couple of excerpts and easy clear links encouraging readers to please come to your beautiful blog and read more. You have such wisdom and love to share, and I can’t resist calling out about it. I hope it’s alright to share about you and your writings this way…. in a radical re-blog without a reblog 😀 Love Gina
Oh Gina, do you know what is too funny? Probably about the time you were working on this “re-post” and thinking about me, you were on my heart. I was softly thinking of you, saying to myself, “Gina, what a Love. I’m so grateful to have come across her and her words. I’m so grateful for her new blog too and I hope I said it right to her about the new blog — that as a mom now w/ two little ones, I can sooooo use the resources she provides and the research she does about organic living. What a treasure to have found her.” And…low and behold…we were thinking of each other at the same time! YES yes please “re-blog” as you wish. This inspires me to do the same and to share the love of some of the incredible writers out there, including YOU!. Love to you, Lisa
Bless your heart dear one (I enjoy that expression even more after learning more about Thich Nhat Hanh from you). I love this example of how connected we all really are. It’s amazing. You are truly one of my dearest and wisest friends in this loving community. With much gratitude for you, Gina
~Oh and Yes, your comment about my new site was.. is!.. deeply appreciated! More than I can say. I was inspired to add fun ‘gifts from the garden’ that I thought you might enjoy with your darling wee ones. 🙂
Reblogged this on myrecoverydiary and commented:
A little over a year ago, this post was written. I read it and I liked it but I didn’t quite understand it as I do now. I hold it deeply in my heart and I intend to embrace and love my pain.
Much love.
Erika, I so hear you about how we read something and it sort of resonates with us at the time, but then we come back to it somehow a bit later and we are like “ohhhhhh, yessss, now I get it!” I’m glad that this spoke to you. Please, do ask more if you’d like about embracing our pain and seeing it as a “friend”. You can email me at lisa (at) barefootbarn (dot) com.
Blessings,
Lisa
Thank you, Lisa!!! I will take your suggestion and email you!
Yes, it took a whole year for me to finally understand it! I’m a slow learner haha.
Thanks for your kind words and lovely blog.