Today, is it possible to look at all people with the eyes of compassion? To practice looking at even those who frustrate you, annoy you, anger you, disgust you with softer eyes? To see beyond the exterior mask they wear? Some times it’s helpful to imagine them as a newborn baby and how their mother looked at them for the first time.
Some times we need to imagine our own selves as a newborn in order to see our innate goodness. Sometimes we need to first see our own selves with the eyes compassion, to see that we are suffering, in some way, when our hearts are closed off. When we feel connected, safe, resourced, and like we belong, our hearts naturally open, expand, and include. When we feel disconnected, unsafe, threatened, under resourced, and isolated, we close off, we contract, we judge, and we exclude.
People don’t hurt others when they feel connected, safe, resourced, loved, regarded, and like they belong.
We have all heard: “It takes a village to raise a child.” What if we looked at all beings as our children? What if we looked at even those who hurt others as our children, our suffering, disconnected children? What if, instead of judging, polarizing people into ‘good’ or ‘evil,’ we acknowledge our own grief and suffering inside of us and have the intent to include others in our hearts and prayers who are suffering and act gruffly, annoy us, hurt us?
Such inclusion in our hearts, such eyes of compassion for others does not condone the actions of others. It does not say, “Do whatever you want to me.” It does not say, “don’t take responsibility for your actions.”  And actually, when we practice seeing the “other” with eyes of compassion, our ability to have appropriate boundaries and limits expands. The right action to take arises. We may decide to end a friendship that is not nourishing, and still have compassion for them. We may decide to never see a person again, and still not exclude them from our hearts.
It’s a profound practice. In it, we realize that we hurt our own hearts when we exclude. We suffer when we close off our hearts. We flourish, we live with a lighter, more powerful heart when every single person is included in our hearts.
Such inclusion is the ultimate healing balm to grieving hearts. In time.
So, tomorrow, when we wake up, vow to act with compassion. And when you don’t, have eyes of compassion for yourself and begin again. We all have 24 hours to begin again and again and again. And each time we do, our hearts expand…and heal.
Blessings,
Last weekend, I wrote–briefly–about a brief encounter with racism in a Disneyland parking lot. Someone commented on that post: “From what I’ve read and followed in your blog your family is full of love and compassion and I feel like for some reason people see that and may want to destroy it or at least shake it up.”
Those words struck me as so true. Then, not so long after saying so, I stumble upon your blog and found myself being led even closer to the path I want to take. I’m grateful, for that and for the sweet reminder about the importance of compassion for everyone . . . self included.
Deborah, what you write about is soooooo true. I have found it to be very HAAAARD to forgive and to look at some people with the eyes of compassion. I have found that I am able to do that in “stages” — bits at a time. I think it is both a bit of my “willing” and the Divine’s grace — one day I notice that my soul has just opened up to someone. I have also seen, in my own life and in the lives I work with in psychotherapy, that we have to feel SAFE first before we can begin “thinking about the other.” We have to know that we are OK — with good boundaries and limits — and protected — mentally, emotionally, physically.
Like you, there is a comment someone made one time in MASS — of all places — that just broke my heart. I’ll share with you… my husband works for a church and he rights the “prayers of the faithful” or “intersession prayers” (catholic). We were sitting there, listening to these beautiful prayers and one was about creating a church that is inviting to women, gay people, etc. Well this guy in front of us says, “I’m not praying for that crap.” I started crying. My heart was sooo open in that moment and then to hear his comment. I have a gay brother and tons of best friends who are gay. The thought of not including them, not creating a welcoming place for them, breaks my heart. And this gentleman’s comment cut me deeply. But I found myself even in that moment, as I touched my own suffering and hurt, and thought of the hurt so many religious places causes many groups of people, I just softened. And then I found myself seeing this man’s suffering too — or at least imagining it. Comments like that come from fear. And so I found myself praying for him, sending him love. I took it less personal and turned it around that he must be suffering.
It sounds like you are doing something similar… sitting with how to look at this person with eyes of compassion. I have soooo found how, when I do this, I am freer, liberated, alive, and so so grateful.
Love to you, dear Deborah. You are a gem in this world. Love, Lisa
Lisa, you are a wise and loving teacher for our times! This post, and all you share, is a wonderful reminder of what CAN be done, and what anyone can do. Especially powerful for me is the concept of stretching ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ to ALL of us. Every lonely neighbor, every isolated senior in a grocery store who just might be as sad as they appear, and every teen on the street waiting for someone to notice their hair or tattoo. When I walk by a group of teens and make smiling eye contact with one and say “Great hair!” with a genuine tone, they melt. When I smile at a sad looking person and strike up a conversation, even only about the weather and offer help with their bags, my heart melts when I see how their eyes brighten. Too many people feel ‘unseen’ and we can all make a difference. And the wonderfully unexpected reward is when we ourselves feel enriched by knowing we touched another’s heart and soul. May you feel this enrichment, as we all do, in helping others’ lives. Your posts make a beautiful difference Lisa. Thank you for sharing your lovely light in the the world. You make a difference in my world 🙂
With Love and Light, Gina
I’m sniffling after reading this. I’m glad you are out there doing these acts of love, Gina.
Thank You Deborah ~ and I feel connected with another Miracle Worker in you. Your tears bring my tears and they all show how much we feel. We ARE making a difference… all of us. Thanks you Lisa for bringing us all together 🙂
Gina, you make my heart smile.
Dear heart, what a light you are. I can so picture you “SEEING” a teen and making a comment that uplifts and communicates “I see you…and you ARE all that!”
Yes, Gina, we all want to be SEEN. To know that we matter. To know that we BELONG. Your lovely, lovey ways of SEEING people — young, old — I’m telling you, Gina, is beautiful!
I was juuuuust talking about this on the way home in the car w/ my kiddos…how it FEELS in our BODIES when we are kind to another person. It just FEELS good (we get all that oxytocin running thru our bodies!). We feel connected, we feel like we matter, we feel like we have a place in this world’s tribe of humanity.
Gina, I am going to write a post about this soon, but I have so been practicing — along w/ these mindful acts of kindness for those who died in Newton (ALL those who died) — NOTICING THE GOOD. We are sooo programmed/primed to notice the bad. And a few weeks ago, i was reminded of this really simple practice. And that’s what I’ve been doing…noticing the good. LOOKING for the good. The minute I notice something negative or harsh or judgmental…about myself or others…in my heart and mind, I switch it around. In that very moment. I’m not ignoring the negative. I’m not distorting reality. I’m just getting myself out of the STORY I’m telling myself. It is soooo lovely!
What a delight you are, Gina. I tell you all the time! I am truly delighted to “know” you. Love, Lisa
Really insightful post Lisa, thanks for sharing! Most notably, you mentioned to have compassion for oneself as well. No one get’s it perfectly the first time around, you can always start over during the next 24 hrs and practice compassion again. This is really great advice!
Madeline, THANK YOU, dear PEACE MAKER! Did you see Gina’s blog — see above…Professions for Peace. You’ll loooove her! You two should “meet!”
Yes, yes…it all has to start with self-compassion. We often skip over that step. I’ve written about this a lot b/c I see it allllll the time in my work as a psychotherapist and mindfulness/yoga teacher. Heck, i see it in my own life!!! When I am able to be gentle and kind with myself — to extend compassion to the suffering parts of my own self — to “include” — I am able to do that with others.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts. The one that I’m about to go back and read right now is the one about ALL of us taking responsibility for the Newton shooting. YES…. you are putting to words thoughts that have been sitting in my own heart. Much more for us to share on this topic!
Love to you!!! Lisa
Lisa,
This post is very, very timely for me. Thank you for this beautiful insight!
Thank you, dear one. This post was timely for me too! 😉
I looooove how the last word in your “name” is “thriving.” Yes, not just surviving, but THRIVING! I’m delighted to connect with you! love, Lisa