Gem of PEACE for today: A few weeks ago, the contractors working in our house messed up and didn’t put insulation back into one of our walls. Here’s how it went down and what I learned…about myself and anger. I share this in hopes it may support you in embracing and expressing your anger with compassion and mindfulness.
I had a feeling they didn’t put insulation into one of the walls they were restoring. I asked them. “Of course we did,” they assured me.
But it still bugged me. Brian and I sat with it over night. We decided to ask them in the morning to open the drywall again. If there was insulation, we’d pay for the extra repairs.
In the morning, Brian asked them to cut open the drywall to see. There wasn’t any.
Brian filled me in after I got home from seeing clients in the morning. When he told me, I was livid. I felt cheated. I felt taken advantage of. I was angry that we had been so kind to the workers (feeding them, making sure they were comfortable) and this is how they treated us.
I told Brian I was going to march into the house and talk to the manager. I walked inside and found the head guy. I said to him, “How could you?! How could you do this?! We were kind to you! We made sure you were taken care of. We trusted you!”
I felt “proud” of myself that I wasn’t yelling. Until…
The manager apologizes profusely. He then explained what happened. It was a mistake. Nothing intentional. All the guys on the crew apologized. One guy cut the drywall and left it there. Another guy went upstairs, saw the drywall in place and just started sealing it up without checking to make sure it was ready to go. Yes, they are responsible for slowing down and doing a good job. BUT…
THIS is what sits with me:
- I intentionally went in there to talk to the manager knowing I was angry
- I stormed into talking to him with the thinking that I was justified and that my story was correct (“they are taking advantage of us!” etc).
- I didn’t seek to understand first.
And really…my story was wrong.
The bottom line?:
my anger was coming from stress (recouping from a concussion, three floors worth of our home was destroyed, and dealing with tons of pounding and sawing) and from fear (feeling vulnerable — I know nothing about home repairs). It was also coming from old habitual ways of thinking…past experiences making their way into my analysis of the current situation.
Anger does this — we get a story going in our head. Our thinking becomes really myopic (“they did this to pull one over on us!”). We can feel vulnerable, taken advantage of, like a victim, and powerless. We get justified in our anger. And we act out. And….then we can feel ashamed.
I learned that even though I was correct (they did not put in insulation), it didn’t serve me (I felt ashamed later) or the situation to act out of anger. I am learning and learning that when we are angry, it is better to do NOTHING. Don’t talk. Don’t reply to an email. Don’t text. Goodness, don’t post it on Facebook. Don’t do ANYTHING out of anger.
Instead…breathe. Long exhales.
Say to yourself, “It’s ok to be angry.”
Tend to the vulnerable feeling.
Tend to the feeling of powerlessness.
Treat yourself with the utmost kindness and tender regard.
Soften.
Wait.
A “mindless” reaction out of anger often comes from fear. And it holds an empty, short-lived, ultimately deflating sense of power (often then filled with guilt and shame). It hurts others. It hurts ourselves. It disconnects us from others and our own hearts. It feels sticky, ugly, yucky. It’s laden with regret.
A response out of groundedness, tenderness, and self-compassion comes from love. And it holds a sort of power that is spacious, full, uplifting, and EMPOWERING. A true power. It connects us to the deep power of our hearts…and this universe. No matter what the outcome of the situation, there is a sense of peace within us because we are taking action that is aligned with love — ultimately, our true nature…our home.
Anger is a good emotion! We need it! As women, we’ve been “trained” to push our anger away, to deny it, and to suppress it. We need anger! It is a response to an injustice or threat! We want to healthily acknowledge our anger, skillfully work with it, and let it inform our mindful response. Neither suppressing it nor letting it over take us supports healthy relating! But often as women, we need space to safely RECLAIM our anger. I see this all the time with counseling and coaching clients. Much of our work is about honoring and reclaiming our anger, discharging (slowly) the volcano of anger (and rage) that has built up within us, and learning to healthily acknowledge anger and embrace it “in the moment” in our everyday lives.
I have seen in my own life that as I learn to embrace and reclaim my anger, I have befriended it. I see it as my ally. And as I have learned to skillfully express it and work with it “in the moment,” by immediately bringing in compassion, spaciousness, and breath, I have learned to “do nothing” but rather acknowledge the waves and treat them with the utmost of kindness. And I am finding that THEN I can mindfully and compassionately respond.
*Do you feel like you need accompaniment in healing your own anger? Do you feel like you have pushed down your anger for too long and find yourself “reacting” over simple things? Maybe it’s time to consider Compassion Coaching and create a space for healing the cultural and familial “should’s” that have influenced your relationship with anger. I am here. I hold space for healing the anger AND learning practices to mindfully and compassionately respond “in the moment” when anger arises within you.
* Thank you for reading these Gems of Delight and being a part of the Barefoot Barn community. Thank you for being a part of this evolution of bringing more compassion into the world by sharing these Gems with your dear ones so they can live with more delight, compassion, and connection in their everyday lives. I hope these Gems serve you. Thank you for sharing your comments — it is always a delight to hear what gems are emerging within your own heart.
Blessings,
Thank you, Lisa. I so appreciate your honesty and wisdom. I, too, get a story in my head and react without first seeking understanding. I want to strive to do this more readily and especially with my children. Thank you for your inspiration.
Rachel, Thank YOU for all your authentic and honest posts. Yes, we all get this STORY in our heads and we think we are so right. I’m seeing lately how I’m doing this a lot…and this experience woke me up to how I need to shift that…and just do NOTHING. Ok hands-free mama, I’m glad we are in this together! love, Lisa
Wow, this is so where I am tonight just minus the revelation and stuck in the guilt and shame. You really make it seem possible…or at least that it can’t hurt to try…and then try again…and again…
God, Krista, I hear you. I get stuck in that cycle, too. It can go on and on. It can leave me feeling hopeless at times…and up late at night thinking, regretting, holding myself to impossible standards. What seems to help me is CONNECTION… connecting to my own heart, connecting to other moms who “get” this and say “me too”…and then softening…and allowing grace to come in. AND realizing the bigger picture — there is a LOT on us as moms! We need to be resourced! (in so many ways). And then when I set about resourcing myself (first by being kind to myself), I find that I have more spaciousness from which to respond to everyone.
So…”me too” Krista, me too. You are an incredible, dear heart and mom.
This reminds me of a discussion earlier tonight with some classmates. We were discussing how when people are very angry or scared, their vision becomes myopic, as you said, and they become absolutely convinced of the veracity of their own version of the truth. It’s so hard to step outside of that anger to try to see things more objectively… to find out the other side of the story, before passing judgment.
Julie, that’s wild about you and your classmates! Yes, you all are right on — when we are scared and angry our vision becomes myopic. It’s a neurobiological fact. Teachers talk about how that’s the first arrow — something happens and we start to feel that rise of anger (and even judgement b/c our world becomes very myopic). BUT we can wake up. We don’t have to stay there and shoot a second (or third or fourth or fifth!) arrow! We can practice LITERALLY softening our bodies. Just RELAX the body. Soften the knees. Soften the gripping in the eyes. Put our hand on our heart. This begins INSTANTLY to shift things. And then we layer on top of that what I’ve written here. We turn inward and TEND to ourselves — to whatever is rising up. THAT is the root of our anger. NOT what is actually happen. And when we tend to the root of the anger, then it shifts. Does this help??!
Your words of wisdom *always* help, Lisa!
Thank you for this. Yes, your description of anger: ‘… we get a story going in our head’ is completely familiar to me – this is it exactly. That subjectivity you’re sharing with all of us out here, fellow bloggers, that natural human reaction, and the recovery from it, the observations on groundedness are really meaningful. It’s a learning process, and we’re all benefitting from your experience. So you might consider that it was worth it for that reason? Anyway, it makes me glad to be part of this small network.
Actually, and I know YOU will get this…it’s ALL ok and “worth it.” EVERY single experience is for our “becoming” — our evolution..and really our “return to source.” So in a strange way, I’m ok with it all! OH and yes…especially when our experiences can inform others and inspire others…that makes it “worth it” too. I’m glad we are all part of this small network!
Thanks, I left a link to here in my latest post, see pingback: ‘before the story begins’
Thank you! I am very grateful. I’ll go over and look now! Lisa
Thank you for this post, Lisa. I am working hard on trying to not react out of anger when the kids are disobedient . . . these reminders help tremendously.
Rach, totally. i hear you. even after writing this post last night…today, i was reacting to the kiddos this morning! Breath. Tenderness. Softening. Big exhales…..!
Lisa, Spot on sister. I learned a while back to take a step back when angry with someone. I’ve made wrong assumptions too many times about why someone did whatever they did or why they said whatever they said.
I have also been accused by others of saying something mean or hurtful over a simple comment or observation that was in no way intended to be hurtful. It is so easy to read our own emotions and agenda into others words or actions and often we all suffer in the process
Reaction comes naturally because we are all vulnerable to hurt and anger. You made some really sound points in this and I appreciate your wisdom.
Ooooh it’s so good to be back! Your blog is jam-packed with delicious morsels of meaning and wisdom. I love every one of your posts dear Lisa. This one moves me to tears, so important is this message. This poster is worth printing off and placing on every bulletin board around! Handed out at schools and grocery stores! Truly you are a wise heart and I appreciate all that you teach and share. You are deeply appreciated. With love and gratitude, your friend, Gina
Gina! You totally make my heart smile!!! Ya know, you are really giving me an idea! You are challenging me to drop some insecurities, drop some self-consciousness and share my writing around Frederick and beyond! Wow, when I read your idea I was like, “noooooo way!! I couldn’t do that. Who am I?!” and then I was like, “Yes, Gina is right! Share it!” So, dear friend, I think I’m going to step way outside my comfort zone and do it! I’ll keep you posted! YIKES! Love, Lisa
Yay! Yes, you go girl! Definitely look into sharing more of your writing around Frederick and beyond! How exciting that my comment resonated with you, and has you inspired to share your wisdom and love in a new and expanded way. You are an incredibly talented and inspired writer and teacher, and any more avenues for spreading your light sounds pretty awesome to me! Love & Hugs, Gina