What’s the best gift you can give your partner for father’s day?
Notice the Good.
Maybe he drives you crazy by leaving the seat up on the toilet. Maybe he is slow to talk, can’t name his feelings well, and his love language is definitely not the same as yours. These are the everyday things our partner does that annoy the crap out of us and we usually point out to our partners. They happen over and over,and we react again and again – by nagging, distancing ourselves, getting fired up, and even pointing out dad’s faults in front of the kiddos.
WHY DO WE DO POINT OUT THE NEGATIVE?
Basically sisters, we do it when we feel under resourced, tired, stressed, taxed to the max, running from one thing to the next…and (these are the big ones)…when we feel like everything depends on us and when we feel alone.
Taxed to the max, scattered, tired, feeling alone and responsible for everything? Sounds like a perfect storm to me! That’s when we are in total fight or flight…and we react. Blaming, pulling away, lashing, out, giving this annoyed sigh when our partner forgets the 100th item on the beach vacation checklist.
While we are wired to notice the negative (think: ancestors. survival. notice potential threat because your life depends on it.), we are also PRIMED for connection and belonging. Human beings have learned over the years as we evolved that COMPASSION and CONNECTION mean survival, too. And things like GRATITUDE and choosing to connect (to our own emotions and internal experiences as well as to others) help us to get out of fight or flight and make wise decisions.
NEXT TIME HE DOES SOMETHING THAT DRIVES YOU NUTS:
Next time your dear one does something that usually drives you crazy, here’s what to do:
Stop.
Pause.
Exhale to a count of six.
Name (out loud if you need to!) one thing that he or she does that is good. Beautiful. Kind. Helpful.
The first one will be hard. You’ll want to resist this “noticing the good” with all your might. Anger can get us in its grip, our world can become very myopic, and we hyper focus on the negative…as we get more and more justified. That’s why you gotta pause and exhale. It slows down the stress response. It creates a space for you to make contact with your human brain, connect instead of disconnect, open your awareness instead of closing yourself off in myopic thinking, and have some compassion and gratitude.
After the first thing you name, it gets easier. You start to remember the way he smiled at you this morning and made you laugh. You recall the gentleness and authenticity when he says, “I love you.” You notice all the millions of ways he cares for you without looking for a “thank you.” You become grateful for how he lets you just be YOU.
MAKE IT AN EVERYDAY KIND OF HABIT:
Try “noticing the good” as you go throughout your everyday life. You’ll begin to incline the mind (and heart, brain, and life!) toward noticing the good – even when life’s inevitable challenges have you sitting where you may not want to! This practice will help you stand up, dry off, and let go of the moment. It’ll support you in choosing to connect rather than choosing to be right. You’ll grow closer. He’ll disengage less — he’ll lean in. You’ll notice him smiling more often.
NAME THE GOOD IN DAD AROUND YOUR CHILDREN:
Have you ever found yourself spouting off about how your hubby forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store in front of your children? How about how he needs to fix the toilet or cut the grass and you have this annoyed, “you’re so not on it” kind of voice…and your children hear it?
Catch yourself. Your daughter needs to see her dad in positive light. She’s going to look for a mate just like him — and she’s going to treat him how you treat your husband. Your son needs to see the good in dad. He sees dad as a reflection of himself. He’ll emulate his dad.
Some hard truths here, but mamas, really we have a LOT of power. Our vibe, our mood, our sense of compassion all set the tone for the house…and everyone in it. That’s power. Let’s ease up on dad. Let’s notice good in him. It’s there. And once you start this new habit, you’ll begin to really notice it’s always been there. He is a great dad and partner.
Here are some powerful posts to support you in “noticing the good”…in your partner, in yourself, and in this world:
Three Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
Daring to Drop it all and Find the Miraculous Right Here
Tips for Mindful Relationships #3: Speak Their Love Language
Blessings,
thank you so much for helping me to understand how I can get upset with the stupid little things even tho he is a PERFECT man!
Hi Cate! I soooo hear you! Glad you see the goodness in your man! Love, Lisa
Awesome. I noticed the good in this post! Actually I try to do this everyday. And my hubby does, too. This appreciation for each other brings us so far in every other part of our relationship. It makes life so easy and lovely to live.
Jodi, that is reallllly lovely to hear! Yes, Brian and I do something similar. We’ve seen in these early years of parenting that we NEED to be a team and we need to resource each other. It’d be reallllly easy to slip in to stress mode and react (cough – pointing out faults) but that’s when our mindfulness practice comes in to play. Yes, you are right — it’ssoooooo much more enjoyable and life is easier, actually, when we choose to connect instead of be right! Good to connect with you, fellow social worker blogger extraordinaire! Lisa
I loved this post Lisa! And I loved the photo so much too 🙂 ~ Your advice is so worthy of noting — we teach by the clarity of our example. We create patterns in our behavior and thinking process -and we can chose to redirect when those patterns are a bit off course and not serving us or our family. You are right – that is power – and it makes for a much more joyful family life! Sending Love ~ x Robyn
Thank you, Robyn. You are so right on — yes, we can shift old patterns when we wake up and realize that something isn’t serving our family. I’ve also seen, too, that when I get resourced, when I sense what the “lack” is and I honor that, I am a LOT less “on” Brian. I address what is really needing attention and compassion. Lisa
This is true – usually our spouse serves as a nice “mirror” for our own needs and unresolved conflicts. When my husband gets in a mood w me (or vice versa) we usually say to each other – ok – what’s bothering you – and that “what” is almost never anything relating to either one of us – but something personal or outside of the family… So back to your exercise above – perfect way to take that moment to breathe and process what is really going on. Thank you Lisa!! x
I love the photo. I can’t resist. See yourself here??
http://aholisticjourney.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/men-and-women-another-difference/
Thank you! I look forward to checking out your blog, mama! Lisa
Her blog is shekainaadonnai – something like that – I can’t look up the spelling right now. She said she’s following you now and it’s been helpful to be here.