Today’s Gem of Noticing: How are we raising our boys?
Here is to raising boys who are compassionate
“Mom, here. Hand me your bucket. I’ve got it,” My six year old son said to me. We were blueberry picking in the warm summer rain at a local organic blueberry farm. My three year old daughter was tired and wanted me to carry her up the hill. We had picked two buckets full of blueberries and though they weren’t heavy, my son could tell that I was trying to carry too much. And he wanted to help.
I handed the basket over to my son. I watched his slender, strong figure take a basket in each hand, distributing the weight. I saw his growing six year old body walk up the hill, paving the way, lightening our load. As we walked, I “got a glimpse” of him as a grown man — seeing his aged mama and seeing how he could act with compassion. “I’ve got it, mom,” I could imagine him saying as a grown man. But I saw his way of being with me or any woman isn’t one of “dominating” or “having power over”, rather it’s one of deep regard, shared power, and compassion. I imagined him coming into my kitchen, putting down my groceries, making us a little something to eat, and still asking his mom to listen to him as he shares what’s on his heart.
A few tears welled up in my eyes, blending with the rain gently falling on my eyelashes and cheeks. My heart was full of awe for the boy – and man – he is becoming. My heart swelled with gratitude for my husband who is showing my son how to be a man – a man of compassion and kindness, a man of gentleness, a man who regards life in all its forms, a man who is redefining what “power” and “being a man” mean.
We have been ever so intentional about raising both of our children with a counter-cultural way of defining things like “power” and “being brave.”
True power is not domination. It is not having power “over”. It’s about mutuality. It’s about having power “with”. The kind of power I’m talking about is SHARED power.
True bravery isn’t about being fearless. It’s about having the courage to be vulnerable, to name our fears, and to reach out to connect when we are suffering.
My husband and I are raising children who can name their feelings, who can abide with what is arising within them, tend to what is happening in their inner landscape with compassion, and share what they need.
THIS IS HUGE. HUGE. Counter-cultural. And yet so so so what our world needs.
I sit with men in therapy. I see how most men weren’t raised with the permission and spaciousness to NOTICE what they are feeling, to NAME it, to be VULNERABLE and share it, and to healthily ASK for what they need. I see how we have a very limiting definition of what it means to be a man and to be brave. I see how our culture defines power.
This is NOT how many of us are raising our sons today. We are raising boys to become compassionate men. “Compassion” means that they KNOW they are being moved by the suffering of someone — including themselves — and they can respond with kindness. We are raising boys who have the vocabulary and skill to discern what they are feeling, to name it, to see sharing it as a sign of STRENGTH, and to be able to ASK for what they need.
This mindful way of parenting boys requires that we as parents become very familiar with our own inner landscape. It requires that we are able to “be with” what is arising within us, name it, tend to it, and ask for what we need.
It also requires that we get in touch with our own aggression. I have seen how one thing that is uncomfortable for many moms in raising boys is “aggression” (yes, girls show aggression, too, but right now i’m talking about boys. No, not all boys are aggressive, either. I’m sharing what I see and hear from clients, readers, and friends). We are uncomfortable with aggression — we are quick to label “wrestling” as aggressive. Why? Let’s go all Freud here and say: we are uncomfortable with our unconscious and unexpressed feelings of rage and aggression. So what do we do? We squash even the slightest sign of “aggression” (when things like, wrestling, sword battles, etc may not even BE truly aggressive). Much of my work with moms, in particular, who are raising boys is getting in touch with and developing a healthy relationship with their aggressive impulses and rage. Yes – aggression and rage.
With dads, much of my work entails supporting them in redefining what it means to “be a boy” and to “be a man.” It’s about dads exploring what is uncomfortable for them — namely, to be “weak” (or how they define “weak” and “strong”!) and vulnerable. As dads do this, they create space for their boys to have a full range of emotions and to healthily embrace (and balance) both their masculine and feminine selves.
Together, we are redefining what it means to be “strong” and “brave” — what it means to be a boy, what it means to be a man. Together we are creating a whole new culture of men who are healthy, compassionate, confident, and balanced. Our entire world needs such men.
Here is to raising boys who become men who are compassionate – to themselves and others.
Here is to raising boys who become men who are able to name and healthily be with their feelings.
Here is to raising boys who become men who regard life — in all its forms.
Here is to raising boys who become men who redefine what “power” means.
Here is to raising boys who become men who acknowledge and balance the masculine and feminine in themselves and encourage this healthy balance in our culture.
Here is to raising boys who become men who can ask for help and who believe that being vulnerable is an act of bravery and strength.
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How are you raising your son? How are you showing him “how to be a man”? What qualities do you think make a man a true man?
If you are a man or a dad, how were you shown “what a man is?”
Our boys need reminding of the good we see in them. Send a boy in your life a message of love and support with the unique poetic wrist wrap that reads: “You were born to shine.”
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Blessings,
Very important post Lisa ~ and so beautifully expressed. Here is to raising boys in the fashion you have described here in your eloquent post. You have a way! I adore the photos too — There are some lucky boys (little and big) in your household! So much Love to you, x RL
Hi Robyn! Yes, my son and Brian – they are gems! And my daughter — her big brother is teaching her soooo much about being a compassionate person. I am feeling quite lucky right now. Love to you, dear Robyn.
You are … and your little girl along with your “boys” — Love to you too dear one! Enjoy ~ x RL
I see signs of my boy becoming the kind of man you write about here, and it fills me with both hope and love.
For example, my sister watched my son while we were away at a concert a couple of weeks ago. A couple of hours in, we got a text message that she’d been crying over missing another child in her life . . . but that, more than that, our son had climbed out of bed and come to comfort her. Stealth-hugging her, he said, “I still love you, Auntie. I cry, too.”
I will do everything I can to nurture that beautiful compassion, as will his dad, who I often think is the greater example of it.
Deborah, my heart melts reading your comment! I can “see” the years of being nourished and loved your son has experienced by you and your husband in order to be so compassionate. It takes many little everyday moments of regard and compassion by parents to stir such a response in a child. Though we are born with an innate sense of compassion for the “other,” I have seen many children in therapy who don’t have it as present — and not over just big traumas, but these seemingly “little” everyday ways that their parents disregard them. Soooo..it is awesome, truly awesome, to hear that another family is as conscious as you are!!! Love to you, Deborah and all you write and do and parent! Love, Lisa
You have touched my heart with this. I love that you and your precious husband are so into being aware and raising aware children. Thank you.
Ohhhh Brenda, yes, I am REALLY blessed/lucky (whatever we want to call it!). Brian is a gem. He is a beautiful, kind, gentle, loving man. Yes, I am grateful I am parenting with him. Love to you, Brenda. And always…thank you for your encouraging comments! It means a lot coming from a mama who has been there! Love, Lisa
My son is 4 years old and he’s so sweet and sensitive. I think most boys start out that way and then the messages they receive from other men and the world in general can harden them. My husband is a great father because he hasn’t let the world harden him or tell what it means to be a man. I think that when a boy has men in his life to show him what it looks like to be connected, to build, to grow and to create, he can be the right mix of sensitve and confident. I don’t think I could raise my son without good male role models.
Karen, how beautiful of you to appreciate and be aware of what an incredible partner you have – and what gifts he offers in raising your son (sweet little four year old!!!). The line “he hasn’t let the world harden him” really speaks to me. I think that’s what happens — boys (all of us really) get these messages as we go through life and they accumulate in our hearts and thoughts. After awhile, depending on the message, they can harden us. We have a few male role models in our life for our son, too. My husband, Brian, along with my brothers and my dad. The men are all completely different, which helps to cultivate a certain beautiful mix of qualities in our son. My daughter — we also have a few female role models, too, for which I am grateful. Keep being the mama you are!!! Love, Lisa
I thought you might find this little instance encouraging, Lisa: my young son came home from public school one day and told me that there was a girl who had to sit by herself in the lunch room. When I asked why, he said that it was because she was fat, but that he went and sat with her. I think Joey was about eight when he did that. It did my heart good to know that he had the sensitivity to reach out to someone whom he could see was hurting.
Ohhh Anita, I so so love this! What a dear heart your son is! You are an awesome mama! Blessings, Lisa
Thank you, Lisa. You are a sweetheart. My son is 35 years old now, and still a compassionate person. Recently, at a gas station, he noticed an old lady who seemed to be confused about her checkbook and how to pump gas, so he filled her tank for her and paid for it.
Anita,
What an awesome son you have! Wow! I am going to keep that image of your son being so compassionate and SEEING where he can offer some kindness in my heart. And i hope to nourish that same kind of spirit in my own son. We’ll see over the next 20 years! So beautiful. Love to you, Anita, and your awesome son. Lisa
Hi Lisa. Your works are so inspiring. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Joy!!!
Lisa,
I’m only just finding your blog, but I immediately recognize it as life, light, truth, and love. I’m grateful for you and your work.
That’s the best comment I’m holding in my heart today! Thanks so much, Matthew! Lisa
Lisa, I wrote you a couple of stories about Joey, (see above), and when I saw your email today, I thought I would pass on one more…I met my son for lunch last week, and told him bout an up-coming operation I am going to have. The surgeon will cost $745, which I mentioned but did not indicate worry about. The next day, Joey texted and said I should take that money out of his (very small) business, as a gift, not a loan. Now he had just taken his wife to the emergency room and hospital for a short stay twice in the last two weeks, and has no insurance. I said, “What about your medical bills?” He said he “would have lots of time to pay them off, LOL!” He just wanted to relieve stress on me.
ANITA! WHAT AN INCREDIBLE SON! I have this visual of you two. He is so loving and caring! WOW! Thank you, Anita, for sharing this about Joey. And I’ll be praying for you with your surgery. The world needs more Joey’s! Lisa
The world could use more Lisas, as well! Thank you for your kindness and encouragement.
Lisa, thank you for this. My son is now 21 and I and his grandmother raised him to be like this. The man he is today is full of compassion, wisdom and feelings he can recognize and share. If only mom’s and dad’s everywhere were aware of this.
Ohhh Annette!! I love hearing this!!! As I am raising my son, it’s so lovely to hear stories of success! I love hearing from parents of older children as it encourages me and gives me a vision of hope for the future!!! Thank you! Lisa