She bent down to look at her five year old superhero. “I see you, Cooper,” she said with a softness that made even me feel like I was wrapped in a warm blanket. Her eyes were full of regard and her arms welcomed her son close to her. My dear friend, Becki, had just arrived at my house to pick up her son from a playdate with my own superhero. As often happens when our kiddos see mom, they get excited and need our attention. When Becki paused and said, “I see you” with her eyes, heart, and arms, Cooper began to soften and settle. It didn’t take longer than a few minutes.
Everyday our kiddos want us to see them, to really see them and regard them. Even as adults we all want to be seen and regarded. Same goes for our children.
Try it out. Next time your child wants your attention, pause, slow down, look at them with regard, softly smile, and say, “I see you.”
Becki was also communicating, “You matter.” Everyday our kiddos need to hear that they matter – to us, to our family, to this world. Even though we feel this way, sometimes we don’t speak the words. Say them. Say them with your gentle eyes, soft smile, and kind words as you pause and really look at them. Let your presence express your regard as you help your toddler into her carseat, as you pick up your child from a long day at school, as you look your teenager in the eyes before he goes into his room for some “alone time.”
I started saying this one the minute I read about it on Rachel Macy Stafford’s Hands Free Mama blog last year: “I love watching you…” and fill in the blank. I love watching you dance. I love watching you hug your sister. I love watching you play soccer. I love watching you create your art. I love watching you play the piano. Whatever they do that makes your heart smile, tell them how much you love watching them.
When spoken and repeated every day, these messages begin to take up residence in a little one’s soul. He begins to believe in his worth. She begins to carry these messages with her. He learns how to see others. She learns how to love…herself and others…just from a few simple moments of pausing and seeing our kiddos. Repeated. Every day.
*Check out the beautiful work of Tracy Sullivan at Dragonfly Dream Photography
* Check out Rachel Macy Stafford and the Hands Free Revolution she is inspiring.
** Need support in connecting with compassion to the dear ones in your life? Over the phone, on skype, or in person, I work with people who want to live with more delight, compassion, and connection in their everyday lives. Check out my Compassion Coaching.
Blessings,
I am so honored to be a part of this incredible, life-changing post. You are such a peaceful and loving presence in my life. I am grateful for you.
Thank you, Rachel. YOU and your voice and your words are making such a HUGE difference in this world. I can’t wait for your book. Love to you, dear mama. Lisa
Beautiful advice. I grew up not being seen so I know what happens to children when they do not have love, compassion, and gentleness mirrored to them. We all need for others to stop what they’re doing and acknowledge our presence when we enter a room. Great post.
Brenda, I would love to hear from you – now a wise older woman – about what you SEE now and how you evolved into who you are now and how you look back at your early experiences. Would you consider writing a post? Either on your blog and/or here? I’d love to share it. I think you have a lovely vantage point to speak from now as a “wise woman.” It could give us all who have young children perspective. It could also soften the hearts of those who are now adults and were not seen as children. This just came to my heart. I thought I’d ask. See what resonates with you. Love you, Brenda. Lisa
Bless your heart for the beautiful wisdom you generously share from this lovely blog. As a mom of older ones, thank you for the inclusion of the statement about looking our teen child in the eyes as we share how we SEE them, and that they matter. Thank you for passing along Rachel Macy Stafford’s idea of saying, “I love watching you…” and fill in the blank. This is such a loving and validating idea that it can be expanded to everyone we care about. What a nice thing to say to anyone in our family, but of course especially our precious wee ones who need all the time, energy and love we can bestow as they grow (too quickly, I know!) into adulthood. Thank you Lisa. Your shining light brightens my world every time I visit.
With loving gratitude, Gina
Gina, thank you! I have a tendency (obviously!) to write from the perspective of a mama with young kiddos b/c that’s my world right now. But I work with parents of ALL ages and I’ve seen it all. This prompts me to make a point of including pre-teens, teens, and even adult children. Yes, Rachel’s idea of “I love watching you” and filling in the blank is GREAT one! Yes, all of these can be extended to all of our dear ones, not just our children. Actually, the first one – “I see you” is a very “Thich Nhat Hanh” thing to say. He wrote about this in his book about relationships – especially romantic relationships. Again, your words are sweetness for me. Thank you, Gina. Love, Lisa
This post is a complete WINNER Lisa — gosh – this is what the WordPress folks need to include in their Freshly Pressed editions. Hugely important guidance for each and every parent on the earth contained within your post. Kids need to be feel heard/seen/loved — and your phrase “I Love watching you ____” is perfect. Especially now with all the distractions of wireless technology — fast paced lives etc… just perfect advise for all ~ thank you Lisa!! x Love to you – RL
Awww, thank you, Robyn. Actually, the last line is from Hands Free Mama. I’m actually going to be quoted in Rachel’s book that’ll be out in January. Yes, I am writing more and more and more. It’s time. Sweet love to you, Robyn.