I have an incredible husband. He is truly a co-parent, my best friend, and one of the most lovely human beings I know. But here’s the thing: he can drive me nuts, too.

Throw in stressful mornings trying to get to kiddos to school, middle of the night stomach viruses, a change in jobs, a change in health, a health scare with a dear loved one, a water pipe that bursts in the house…and you’ve got some stressed out parents. Though the particulars may look different for each of us, when any of us is stressed, we go in to fight-flight-freeze mode. We go to our “default mode” of blaming, pulling back, lashing out, freaking out, getting super quiet, passive aggressive, just plain aggressive — whatever your default is, you go there when you are stressed.

Have enough of these moments, plus staying super busy and leaving little time to reconnect, regroup, and reconcile — and we’ve got a month, a year, a life time of living in our “default stress mode” instead of our “Love ya, babe” mode.

Being prego was hard for me. Even though I taught yoga up until week 38 with my first kiddo and saw clients in private practice until the due date, I was waaaaay done — ohhhh about week 30. Throw in a sudden c-section (“WAIT! I didn’t read that chapter in the mommy book!”) and nursing challenges and boy, were things rough. Parenting has been incredibly harder than I could have EVER imagined for reasons every mom can relate to (it’s not because I don’t get to get on a plane whenever I want to and fly to wherever I want. No. I’m talking soul-changing, learning to live with the “unknown,” seeing your heart now walk outside of you, tested to the limits and then beyond, and being responsible completely for the life of another human being). Don’t get me wrong – it’s HANDS DOWN the most incredible, life-changing, joyous thing, too.

But along the way in years of sleepless nights, recouping from being prego, finding the “right” preschool, navigating playdates, finding and embodying our parenting style, math homework, career changes.. we can forget to nurture our relationship with our partner. We can get into a rut of blaming, nagging, pulling back, and thinking a whole bunch of stuff about our partner.

A few months ago, I left my position at Georgetown University. It was an INCREDIBLE job — written for me. I loved it. But…I found myself increasingly critical of Brian. I found myself being short with the kiddos. One night, we were all getting ready for bed. I looked into my daughter’s closet and couldn’t find the pullups. Clean clothes weren’t “put away right”. And my kiddos were jumping on top of each other. “Brian!” I started, “Why in the heck aren’t these clothes put away? Couldn’t you do it?!” I started getting in to “everything’s on me and I’m responsible for it all and no one helps me” mode of thinking. Then I heard my daughter say, “Yah, Bwwwian!” I stepped back. I heard myself. I heard ME in her. And that was my tipping point. Something had to change.

And so we made some big changes. I left my position at Georgetown and am now doing consulting with them. I got more sleep. I gave my body a break from commuting. We cut our budget (and spending!) in half. HALF. I’m not kidding. (Yes, you can do this). I have more energy to devote to BEING right here. And Brian and I are focusing on US.

One of the ways I’m choosing to focus on “us” is this: every day writing down what I appreciate and love about Brian. A “Love List.” One thing, twenty things. I’m listing them every day for as long as it takes to shift some of my “default thinking” about Brian.

This is one way to change the way our brains our wired: notice the good.

We aren’t ignoring or denying what is annoying, frustrating, maddening about our partner. We are mindfully aware that maaaaaybe we’ve focused WAY too much on those traits, and instead we are turning our attention to WHAT IS GOOD…even what is awesome and incredible and what we appreciate about our partner.

Brian is all for this! 😉 I’d imagine your man might be, too!

*(UPDATE: September 2016. For three years now I have come back to this practice of “making love lists” every so often and it’s a game changer.  When I find that I am becoming more irritated than usual, I sit back and practice “making love lists.”  As i do, a deeper appreciation rises. I also can see more clearly how I might be blaming Brian for things that actually need tending to WITHIN ME.  It’s been a beautiful, messy practice of opening to seeing more deeply.  And that creates a sense of lightness and regard between Brian and me.  have a deeper, compassionate regard for my own self. I can share from a place of vulnerability rather than fear and blame.

Try this practice of “making love lists.”  Try this practice of tending to what is bothering you with kindness and see it as an indicator of the love and regard YOU are wanting from YOU.)