“Do you want to get real with yourself? Do you want to really know what’s most important?” My meditation teacher asked me one day in session years ago.

“Definitely!” I said, with bated breath, waiting to hear what he was about to share.

“Start to ask yourself, ‘What if I had one year to live?” he began.

The question made me sit upright. “Wow, just a year,” I thought, as I collected myself.

Ok, Well, I’d quit my job, I’d spend more time just “being”, I’d get all my papers, files, and stuff in order to my family wouldn’t have to – yes, I’m sure an organizer. I’d have it all in order. I’d go to anyone I might have ever hurt and ask them for forgiveness. I’d make a video for my little kiddos so that when they don’t remember me, they’d know how much I loved them. I’d spend time just being – being on this earth and soaking up how beautiful each season is, memorizing the colors, smells, and feel of each one. Just being with my dear ones.

But then he went on: “Then ask yourself, ‘What if I had six months to live?”
And he went on, “Tonight, slowly ask yourself, ‘What if I had one month, one week, one day to live?”

My heart suddenly got really quiet, focused, and curious. I could feel the power of this inquiry and I wondered how it would change me. I was uneasy and yet also sure I had to do it.

So that night, after the kiddos were in bed and all was quiet, I cuddled up in my bed, got out my journal, and I asked myself,

“What if I had one year
Six months
One month
One week
One day
…and I continued…
One hour
One minute
One breath
to live.”

I wrote and I wept. I wrote and paused only to wipe my tears and feel my heart – opening, grieving, softening. I wrote and was gentle with myself and made a vow that I’d be kind and gentle with whatever arose. I wrote what spontaneously came to my heart and didn’t analyze anything. I saw how with less and less time to live, I got more and more focused on what matter most. It was raw. I was real. In the end, do you know what “happened” when I had just one breath left?

I had to let go…let go of whispering to my children that I loved them so dearly, telling anyone I was sorry or asking for forgiveness, kissing my husband, holding my children. I imagined that most likely, I’d be alone. It would most likely be sudden – in my car driving or in the middle of the kitchen, and, with only one breath to breathe, I couldn’t call out to anyone or try and get anyone.

With my last inhale, I imagined my children, husband, and dear ones wrapped in a blessing of warmth, protection, goodness, and deep, deep love.

And with my last exhale, overcome with a profound sense of gratitude, I found myself whispering, “Thank you.” Thank you for this experience of being born and the experience of being human, walking on this earth, having this body, having this mind, being able to feel, and for everything that comes with loving in this human form. Thank you for every single experience, every single heartache, every joy, every kiss, every warm embrace, every flower. Thank you to my family. Thank you to the Divine for letting me go and have this experience, and welcoming me back home.

A prayer to bless my dear ones. An exhale of “thank you.”
That’s all that I could say. That’s all I could “do” with my last breath.

My face was wet with tears. I had stopped writing awhile ago and was just present with what I imagined and what my heart spoke to me. I was tender. Alive. And very clear.

This exercise changed me. It focused my heart and attention. It helped me to reclaim my life by reminding me that death is our constant companion and we never know when the moment will come that death will call us back home. Drenched with tears, it cleared me out, emptied me out…and what remained was gratitude. A deep, real, raw sense of gratitude. Every single experience is a gift. Every single flower that opens, tree that bends its branches to kiss the river, joy that comes my way in the form of two little ones jumping on me, and every time my husband quietly reaches for my hand. The “good” and the “bad”, the hard and the easy, the successes and the failures, the heartache and the heart-warming

My dear friends, perhaps you’d like to try this meditation. Write it out or just imagine it. Allow your mind to rest while you let the heart speak its truth and reveal what is truly most important. Viscerally feel that truth in your body. This “getting real with what matters most” profoundly influences how you go about your day – how you love, what you put your attention into, and how you regard all the gifts in your everyday life.

Blessings,
Lisa A. McCrohan
MA, LCSW-C, RYT
Compassion Coach.

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