The other day, another person commented to me that they wish they could be more like me – patient, compassionate, kind, understanding, able to linger in everyday moments.

While this is lovely, it is also not the whole picture. I am tooootally human. Those of you who are my family and those of you who see me on a daily basis know that I have my ugly and imperfect sides.

Case in point:

Just this morning, I got triggered. Our Sunday mornings are the start of our work week. I often get flustered trying to get out the door to church, wondering how I’m going to get everything done this week, and getting anxious because “I’m going to be at it all alone today.” I started in on Brian, complaining about all I had to do and take care of.

Then my daughter didn’t want her hair combed. That brought up “Oh my gosh, what are people going to think of ME when they see a kiddo with mismatched clothes and uncombed hair?” (who cares, right?! THAT’s another post!). I got frustrated. She was crying and I was mad.

And then as Brian is in the car with the kiddos to give me an hour to work while they go to mass (and they are late, and I’m feeling guilty for not going!), I see that something is hanging from underneath our minivan.  It’s some part of the car that shouldn’t be hanging that low!  Late already for work and church, Brian and I are frustrated.

Sound familiar?!

Here’s the first truth — when we put others on a pedestal, we don’t see their humanness.  We don’t see them as real.  We don’t allow them to be human.  We set up expectations of them.

Second truth — We start to think, “There’s something wrong with me!”  We think things like, “Oh I could never be like that.” Or “that’s not possible for me.”  In comes the harsh self-judgment.  It might be subtle, but it’s there. And we feel like crap. It doesn’t motivate us.

I get caught in it, too. I read someone’s blog post or see a friend at the lake and how lovely they are with their children and I think, “Man, she is so much better than I am.”

We can feel pretty alone and think: “Oh man, if only everyone knew how I REALLY was…”
And fill in the blank – “…I’d be alone, no one would like me, they’d see me as a fraud, etc.”

The third truth is this: we ALL have “ugly and imperfect” parts — parts of us that we are afraid to see ourselves, let alone share with anyone! Parts of us that we are ashamed of, that we label as “ugly” and “imperfect.”  We don’t like to admit it. We definitely don’t want to show it! We spend a lot of energy trying to keep those parts of ourselves at bay and undercover. But they are there.

And here’s the fourth truth: When we compare ourselves to others, we don’t see OUR goodness. We don’t see the possibilities within us. We don’t think we have that potential to respond instead of react. The truth is you have that beauty within you to stand grounded, patiently, as the world around you goes to hell in a handbasket. You have the seed within you of choosing compassion. You have the ability to bring mindfulness into your everyday life. AND you are innately GOOD!

So what can you do with the ugly and imperfect within you? What can you do with those parts?

Love them.

Sounds too simple? It’s not. Because we are addicted to pushing AWAY what is unpleasant (shameful, embarrassing, difficult, hard). We have a whole bunch of dysfunctional coping strategies that we utilize in order to push away those unpleasant/shadow sides of ourselves – denial, staying busy, numbing out, over eating, etc. We push away the ugly. We put a lot of energy into judging ourselves and trying to perfect ourselves (how we parent, how we look, etc etc etc!). And we treat these “ugly” and “imperfect” parts of ourselves with a lot of harshness.

Changing up this habitual pattern takes a LOT of mindful practice. BUT…we can begin in ANY SINGLE moment.

How do we love those “imperfect, ugly” parts?

Here are four mindful and compassionate practices for “loving the ugly and imperfect” parts of yourself:

~ Treat them as you would a dear friend – with kindness and regard.

~ Draw them closer to you – to your heart. Yes. Literally imagine that instead of pushing them away with your hand, you are drawing them into your heart – for a hug, to gently hold.

~ Talk softly with them. Use a tone of understanding. Much like you would with a small child who you can see clearly is struggling and just wanting to be loved and seen.

~ Comfort them in all the lovely ways you know how to comfort your dear ones in your life. Yep, imagine yourself giving comfort to those parts of you.

You’ve all heard the phrase “what we resist, persists.” Well, if we keep pushing away what we don’t want to see; if we keep denying the imperfect and ugly parts of ourselves, we’ll continue to create a lot of suffering.

On the other hand, if we DRAW CLOSER what we dislike or are ashamed of in a skillful way…we heal. Honestly. I see it in the counseling room. I see it in my own heart and life.  May these four truths and practices support you in loving all the parts of yourself — the pleasant and unpleasant, the beautiful and the ugly, the perfect and the imperfect, the light and the shadow.

** So dear friends, practice loving the “ugly” and “imperfect” within you. And maybe you’ll find that, in fact, they aren’t ugly or imperfect. Maybe they are your saving grace. Maybe they are what keep you tender, make you reach out and connect to others, and enable you to love your human self.

** Some of you have one of the sweet jewel-toned wrist wraps I’ve been creating with two leather workers. I’ve started to put my poetry on these wraps that so softly conform to the contours of our tender wrists. It was TIME to put these out into the world to be touchstones throughout the day, reminding us to treat ALL the parts of ourselves with kindness and regard. USE THEM as YOUR touchstone, your wake up calll, each time you look down at your wrist or touch your wrist with your sweet fingers, reminding you to talk softly with yourself and to offer yourself kindness. If you’d like one, please visit my shop. You can also find my poetic greeting cards – perfect for framing in your home or office.

Blessings,

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