“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image.”
~  Thomas Merton, The Way of Chuang Tzu

This past weekend, my husband and I had a 40-some hours to ourselves.  At home.  Alone.  See, we watched our friend’s child for a few weeks when their usual babysitter was out of town.  We were happy to do it.  And though I had to get used to having a young toddler around again, it was lovely.

One Sunday at church, I was talking to this same friend.  She found me in a somewhat stressed out moment.  Our Sundays are our “Mondays” — it’s the start of our work-week as Brian works at our parish.  So I was a bit stressed on this “Sunday/Monday” morning.  In talking with her, I started to tear up and cry.  I said, “Brian and I just need some time together.”

She and her husband said, “Have the kiddos come over — for a whole weekend!”

They have four children of their own, adding a few more, they said, was no biggie!  I asked my kiddos and they were like “YES!”  So we scheduled it for this past weekend.  We took them over there and then we headed home.

And let me tell you…it was so lovely to reconnect with Brian, to have spaciousness, to be alone and linger together.  I love my children and really this was the first time we both were away from them for a whole weekend.  It made me realize how lush my life is with sounds of children, messes we all make, and the hugs (and tears, and hard times) we do every day.

AND it reminded me of some things…

– When any of us gets stressed (have to hurry, feel like we are out of time), we go into our “default stress mode.”  We go to the stories we tell ourselves and that have been playing out much of our lives.

– We start down one of the V.E.R.B. paths — “being a Victim,” “feeling Entitled,” “wanting to be Rescued,” or “Blaming.”

– And we want the other person to CHANGE.  We want the other person to conform to our image of how WE “NEED” them to be.

– And when we do this a LOT over time, we create these patterns of relating to each other.  We reinforce the stories we tell ourselves.  That can lead to disconnect and….a whole host of other things.

I see how it happens so easily, so slowly over time.  I see how easy it is for parents to stay in “get it done” mode — attending to the needs of daily life.  I see how easy it is for parents of young children to put their focus soooo much into their kiddos that they lose focus on their marriage/partnership.  It just happens.

I think Brian and I have done a pretty good job of being alongside each other in this whole journey of parenting in the early years.  I really do.  Now, though, that our kiddos are in a good spot (and we aren’t sleep deprived, getting up in the middle of the night, trying to find our way of parenting), it’s time that Brian and I bring some more attention to US.  Me and Brian.

I see this in counseling and coaching.  I see how our attention naturally goes full-force into our children.  I see how it can be about SURVIVAL for many years as the kiddos are really little.  AND I see how, when we finally catch our breath that there is some spaciousness.  There is an opportunity to turn again to our beloved and say, “I want to focus on us.”

Being in a relationship is much like meditation.  Little moments of mindfulness and meditation in our everyday life are great and can keep us sane, keep us connected to what really matters, keep us connected to our hearts. The same goes for our relationships — we need (DAILY!) little moments of connecting and speaking each other’s love language. 

And, after being on many longer retreats, I see how longer periods of quiet and meditation – in the morning and at night, going on retreat for a weekend or a week-long – help to realllllly settle a nervous system.  They “move stuff out” that we no longer need (the “residue” of stressful moments), heal our hurtful experiences, and they fortify us with an inner “connection” that enables us to weather the daily ups and downs of life.  Little moments of connecting with our partners are lovely and necessary.  AND yet we need these longer periods of intentionally BEING together that help to realllly reconnect with our partner.  They create spaciousness to hold what needs healing.  They create time to see each other again with fresh eyes and an open, loving heart.

Maybe it’s time to make time to reconnect with your partner with a longer period of spaciousness and quiet.  Not DOING much, just being together.  Maybe it’s time in your family’s life for the two of you to focus on you and your partner.

Imagine how nourishing it would be to create, set aside time for, and actually TAKE time to be together.  Imagine how fortifying it would be for both of you and for your family.

A long time ago, I read something from an older gentleman.  He was reflecting on their marriage of 50 years.  When asked about the “success” of such a happy marriage, he said something like, “I never stopped seeing my wife as a mystery and a miracle — one that I never knew completely and was always discovering anew.”

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to remember that Brian is so much more than what I THINK I know of him.  Some of the stories I’ve built up over the past years just dissipated.  And I found myself marveling in the sacred mystery and miracle that he is.   And this has fueled a sense of deep regard and gentle kindness in our daily life of getting breakfast on the table, waking the kiddos, signing school papers, making dinner and being a family.  This time spent reconnecting enables me to create space for Brian to “be who he is” without me twisting him into how I “need” him to be.  I know this “breathing space” — we’ve had it before in our relationship.  It creates space for each of us to Be.

Friends, readers, colleagues — if you sense it is time to really focus on your relationship with your beloved, do two things:

1. Figure out what each other’s love languages. And then be intentional about and commit to doing ONE little act of love a day for our beloved — to connect to your beloved, to show your beloved how deeply you regard him or her.
2. Get out the calendar.  Think in “quarters” — and plan a longer time of reconnecting and just being together for EACH quarter.  Maybe it’s just getting away for one night.  Maybe it’s setting it up so your neighbors take your kiddos for a weekend.  Whatever it is you all need, make it happen. Just like our friends did, YOUR friends WANT to support you in focusing on your relationship.  It encourages them to do the same!

* Here is a lovely poem about making time for love in our everyday lives.

*Here’s a post on love languages.

*I have several clients and customers who decided to wear the same poetic wrist wrap with one of my poetic messages that resonates with the two of them.  You can find my wrist wraps in my shop.