Yesterday, I went to a new salon to get my haircut. As I was sitting in the chair and *Tracy was already getting to work on a shorter, cute cut for me, she started to asked me questions – what do you do, how do you know the person who referred you, how many children do you have, etc. She said, “So you have two children?”
And I described them a bit and I ended with, “Oh they are such loves!”
Tracy stopped what she was doing. She looked at me in the mirror and said, “Lisa, you are the very first parent I’ve worked with who has talked kindly of their children. Usually what I hear are things like ‘they are such brats’ or…..”
…and then I can’t remember the rest because this is what happens to me when I’m shocked and waves of feelings swirl around within me.
My heart was breaking. I imagine she has seen many, many moms and maybe some dads.
I thought of how under resourced, anxious, depressed, and pressured those moms must feel. Because when a person feels alone, hurried, and her nervous system is constantly in “fight or flight,” we critique. She blames. She complains. She plays victim. She wants someone to hear her, see her, and do something about it. She spews her “story” in ways that don’t really bring healing. She puts down others in hopes she feels better. There might be a temporary “relief” – from being angry, spouting off…but that “relief” doesn’t actually last that long. It doesn’t really nourish and heal the nervous system. So then she carries around that “storyline” in her head and body – about how much she carries, how much is on her, and how others are even out to make her life miserable.
I’m talking more than just about sharing those little “Ohhh my gosh” moments of feeling overwhelmed, burdened, and needing the solidarity of another person who just “gets us.” There are plenty of moments with parents while picking up our children from school. And when I’m in a therapy or coaching session with a client where we are truly HOLDING together their stories, heartaches, and frustrations in a space that is healing, supportive, and nourishing.
I’m talking about the “everyday” kind of meanness, the lack of regard, the lack of honoring someone’s integrity and acting in a way that supports their dignity. I’m talking about how parents can violate that sacred intimacy of the “parent-child” relationship in their sharing. I’m talking about breaking that sacred trust children place in us to care for them – the “most vulnerable.”
I thought about the children of those parents. I thought about how I’D feel if my best friend, partner, or even my children were getting their haircut and talking about what a brat I am. I’d feel…betrayed. Hurt. Sad….a number of things.
I thought about the lack of regard we have for children in this culture – how we hurry them along, how I hear parents in the grocery store who must be so so stressed to talk that way to their children. I know. I’ve been there. Just last night I heard myself barking at my kiddos, “Let’s go! Upstairs – NOW!” I was tired, over-stimulated from a day of a lot coming at me, and hungry.
How we see our children, the elderly, the marginalized, or anyone in our care is based on how we see all the parts within ourselves. How we treat the most vulnerable of our society is based on how we treat ourselves.
I am seeing this in how we treat DADS, too. Watch any commercial and you’ll see how dad is treated as the big, lazy buffoon. The other day, I was with a group of women and they weren’t just “getting something off their chest” and needing some support of their tribe. They were making fun of their husbands. I sat back for a moment and thought, “What if Brian was talking about ME this way? What if each of their husbands was talking about them this way? Like, ‘…and then she decided to actually give the kids cereal for dinner! What?! Um, hello, like that is nutritious. Geez!” We would lose it. We would be so hurt.
These kind of “everyday disregards” are commonly accepted — at the playground, dinner table, with friends, and in everyday life. I won’t be a part of it. I won’t be a part of treating our children, our spouses, and anyone else with disregard.
Now there is a lot happening in the States today that feeds disharmony, an “us vs. them” mentality, violence and disregard. And I look to the great sages – past and present – who all say the same thing:
Credit: biography.com
Martin Luther King:
As you press on for justice, be sure to move with dignity and discipline, using only the weapon of love. Let no man pull you so low as to hate him. Always avoid violence. If you succumb to the temptation of using violence in your struggle, unborn generations will be the recipients of a long and desolate night of bitterness, and your chief legacy to the future will be an endless reign of meaningless chaos. (1956)
Hate begets hate; violence begets violence; toughness begets a greater toughness. We must meet the forces of hate with the power of love. (1958)
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction … The chain reaction of evil – hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars – must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation. (1963)
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Thich Nhat Hanh:
“To practice nonviolence, first of all we have to practice it within ourselves. In each of us, there is a certain amount of violence and a certain amount of nonviolence. Depending on our state of being, our response to things will be more or less nonviolent…”
“The practice of meditation helps us to see things other people can’t see. We look deeply and we see that father and son, father and daughter, mother and son, mother and daughter, corn seed and cornstalk, have a very close relationship. That is why we should awaken to the fact, to the truth, that we inter-are. The suffering of one is the suffering of the other. […] When we see that we and all living beings are made of the same nature, how can there be division between us? How can there be lack of harmony? When we realize our ‘interbeing nature’, we’ll stop blaming and exploiting and killing, because we know that we inter-are. That is the great awakening we must have in order for the Earth to be saved.”
Credit: biography.com
Mahatma Gandhi:
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.”
I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings.”
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So on the inside, so on the outside. Let’s begin with ourselves. Today, just today, pick one of these that resonates with you and practice it. Start with regarding YOURSELF:
– I can speak kindly to myself.
– I can offer myself tenderness when I am stressed, hungry, tired, feeling alone, triggered by saying, “Oh I see you dear one. I’m here” and put my hand gently on my cheek.
– I can nourish myself with good food.
– I can slow down.
– I can pause and feel myself being breathed.
– I can soften my self-judgment and offer myself compassion and understanding.
– I can believe in my inherent goodness and I can see the goodness around me.
And when you practice this with yourself, your compassion will organically extend out to others:
– I pause to look at my children.
– I smile at my children.
– I pause to hold my children.
– I pause before yell, speak harshly, act harshly and turn inward for a moment, “What’s happening right now?” And I tune into what is happening within me with mindful and compassionate attention.
– When I’m with my children, I am with my children. When I am working, I am working.
– I honor the dignity and integrity of my child with my attention, warmth and regard.
I believe this is how we transform our homes and our world.
May this reflection and these practices support you and nourish you.
Blessings,
Blessings,
Thank you for this, it was exactly what I needed to read. I am so terribly harsh with myself, and have such high internal expectations that, even though I look like a confident person, I constantly feel like I SHOULD be doing more, that I SHOULD be a better mom/wife/person. My entire life, I have taken pride in not being a high maintenance woman, unfortunately I am realizing that this translates to me not accepting my own needs of time/space/help/assurance/affirmation etc. I have a beautiful, intense (dr says high needs), happy, 5 month old little girl that needs a lot of me, all the time (of course! She’s a baby!) and the mommy she needs needs to give herself a break, be more positive in her internal speech, and verbalize her needs to safe people. The “I Can” list literally brought me to tears, thank you.
Ohhhh Susan, We are all so very harsh with ourselves – me included. I hear you with the SHOULDs. I hear you. I hear you, too, about how we try to “go at it alone” and we ignore our own needs (as you say here — time, space, help, assurance, affirmation). It sounds like you are starting off just so right on with your little baby — viewing her as beautiful, intense, happy. High needs — hmmm…..isn’t that interesting?! She may be teaching you about HAVING NEEDS and making them HEARD! And honoring them! Oh how I so see my children as my greatest teachers. I’m about to share another blog post about how our little ones are our teachers!…..http://barefootbarn.com/2013/09/holding-love-2/ Blessings to you, fellow mama.
That’s beautiful and so true Lisa. I always try not to criticize my kids, but I still do sometimes
Hi Nikky, I hear you. We all do. I’m glad that we have others who can support us in being the gentle and kind parents we want to be.
Thank you for writing this, it is hard to be kind to ourselves sometimes. It is also hard to pause and take the time for compassion before I become loud in response to my son and respond with such volume. It’s ironic as I am sensitive to loud people- especially at home. It helps to know I’m not alone and that I can apoligise and try again. It’s all about trying again.
Claud, I hear you….the ironies involved in parenting! Yes, I, too, am sensitive to noise (many people are) and yet we can all get loud with our voices as we react to what’s happening with our children. Good for you that you recognize this — that you can become aware of what’s happening in the moment, regroup as you need to, and begin again. Yes, as you say – it’s about trying again! Many blessings to you. I’m glad you are here. Lisa
I love this thanks for writing it! I felt the same way about my boyfriend … I don’t want to talk badly about him to friends, parents, etc. it is unkind and does not honor his dignity or respect our relationship. Same goes for children. It is very possible to talk about the struggles we are having without putting the blame on our kids or our spouse, and I think when we change our perspective and talk about what a hard time we are having, instead of how terrible the people we love are, we are more likely to get the support and problem solving help that we need.
Michelle, there is something in the culture right now how we can “put down men” so easily. It’s so accepted. If a man talked out loud to others about his girlfriend or wife the way some women do?!!! Oh my goodness. We would stop in our tracks! I don’t like it when I see this on TV. I don’t like it when I see it on the playground, either. Yes, we need to vent, to share, to hear that others resonate with us. BUT what I’m talking about here is the kind of “talk” that goes way beyond just sharing. It’s a disregard. And this is (hopefully!) a gentle reminder to talk to all people with regard. Often we want to go into “victim mode” — “look how bad I have it!” This doesn’t empower or shift anything. Instead, if we turn inward to our own hearts, we can say, “I see how you are feeling. I see how you are holding a lot. Let me tend to that.” — THIS is what heals! This is getting at the angst, loneliness, sadness, anxiety — NOT disregarding others. Blessings to you for seeing this! Lisa
I homeschool my two sons, ages 10 and 7, and often feel as if we aren’t doing enough. I try very hard not to push or rush or make them feel as if my failings are theirs but of course sometimes it happens. The other morning I was reading to the younger one when the older one was done reading by himself and he crawled into the recliner with us, a very large pile of boys on top on me. We stayed there relaxing and laughing for about an hour before I announced that we had to get some things done as we had errands to run later that day before swim lessons. As we were rushing out the door later my oldest said something about being lazy that morning and that we didn’t much done that day, I stopped them both and told them that the most important thing I did that day was to snuggle with them in the chair that morning, everything else didn’t matter. Both of them just lit up from inside and I knew the instant I said it, I was 100% correct, nothing is more important then they are. I am so grateful that I have days that I can see how wonderful these two boys are, those days carry me through the hard days.
Hi Elizabeth. Thank you for being here and sharing your experience! How incredible of you to shift the perspective — it’s not LAZY to be together, to cuddle, to…do nothing!!! I so believe that “busy” is at epidemic proportions right now. It is so damaging to our nervous systems and our relationships. What an example you are to you two sons. These everyday experiences with your children will truly be weaved into the fabric of who they are. Thank you for being such a light in this world!!! Love, Lisa
But how do we just stop and pause when we’re in that moment or just before we get loud?
How do we get ourselves to believe in ourselves? I’ve never tried meditation because I am the worst at focusing. My guilt takes over everything.
I do believe I have the best 3yr olds in the world, but they are 3yr olds. My patience is tested daily. But when I’m not with them (work full time) I miss them like crazy. I feel like I ruin any time I have with them because I hate who I am.
Oh Brittney, I hear you. We have to catch ourselves before we are out of control. We have to practice mindfulness – getting grounded and connecting to our hearts – in little moments – MANY little moments – throughout the day…so that when we are in those more stressful situations, we have built up the habit of practicing mindfulness. There are many layers to what you are saying here. I appreciate your honesty because soooo many other parents reading this can relate. As we mother our kiddos, we are also mothering ourselves. We are caring for ourselves. We are learning to heal old wounds (because they come up, don’t they?). As we practice having compassion for ourselves, that compassion extends to our little ones. Feel free to read about the Compassion Coaching I offer, see if it resonates with you, and contact me. Blessings, Lisa
Lisa thanks so much for this. I needed to hear about slowing down and taking time…and for myself first, which will then extend to my children.
How do you suggest responding to someone when they go beyond supportive sharing and speak badly of their children? I’m sure something compassionate but I’m not sure what. Many thanks.
Toni, I needed to hear the message, too! 🙂 I’m glad that this so deeply resonated with you.
About sharing…hmmmm…this is hard to write about. I always just try to be supportive and empathetic of the parent. I try to align with the parent…somehow communicating that “I see you, I see how tired (stressed, etc) you are.” I start from there. Sometimes, too, I just start modeling it by talking kindly and sweetly to their child, pointing out how beautiful and lovely they are — particulars about them.