“You won’t regret this time,” my mom said to me. I was struggling with a big life decision – leaving a full-time, made-for-me position at Georgetown University. Why? I knew it driving up and down 270 to DC, waking up at 5 a.m., rushing, arriving home exhausted that:
– I didn’t want to miss “this” – “this” being around my family
– I wanted to have the spaciousness to really be able to SEE my children
– I wanted to have the energy I knew I needed to be truly present
And though I am strong, resourceful, organized, a “make-it-happen” kind of girl, and a great problem-solver – I couldn’t make this happen.
That was two years ago. I knew the truth within me that I needed to follow: this is the season of motherhood of being right here.
And that meant being physically present and having the energy to actually BE here. It just took awhile – and a lot of discerning – to honor that season.
So I handed in my resignation letter.
Now, two years later, do I regret it?
My youngest child is going into kindergarten this fall. And lately I have been sitting back and reflecting:
– Have I been present?
– Have I loved fully?
I’m over perfection. I’m over measuring myself using anyone else’s standards. I’m over this whole “mother guilt” that seems to be running rabid in our current cultural context of mothering. When I look back over the eight years I have been a parent, this is what I see:
– I have savored moments.
I’m not talking about every single moment. I’m not talking about “not yelling” or “not losing it.” I’m talking about this: I have savored moments of connecting, moments of being right here, moments of noticing the sacred in our everyday life, moments of slowing down, moments of beauty, moments of holding my babies.
– I have honored this season of motherhood calling me to “be right here.”
Perfectly? What in the heck would be “perfectly?!” I say I’ve honored this season of motherhood because I followed the call within me – the truth within me – that I knew I needed to follow.
Shawn Fink, founder of the Abundant Mama Project, in her book, “Savoring Slow,” eloquently writes about savoring moments of connection and honoring the season of motherhood we are in. This means recognizing that nothing lasts forever and these moments – the challenges and the joys – pass.
I believe the opportunity we have in whatever season of motherhood we find ourselves in to honor it and savor it. Not with the pressure to “do it perfectly.” And not by neglecting ourselves as mothers.
You honor this season of motherhood by listening deeply and following the call of your heart.
You savor this season of motherhood by giving yourself the spaciousness to really SEE the beauty right here.
I am finding that there is no greater path to delight, to living without regrets, in mothering than to honor the call of your heart in the season of motherhood you find yourself in right now.
Over the last two years, I have watched other women make huge strides professionally. I have seen neighbors move into bigger houses. I have viewed the pictures of friends going to Disney – multiple times – and other awesome vacations.
My kiddos wear hand-me-downs. We’ve stayed in the same cozy, light-filled home for ten years. I said “no” to some big opportunities. I haven’t published the books that are on my heart. I am not CEO of a big nonprofit.
But…the people I have been called to tend to and serve – in coaching, in therapy, in the programs I facilitate now part-time at Georgetown, in our community, in our church, in our children’s school and in our home – I have truly been present to them. For me, that would not have been the case had I continued to rush down 270 and work full-time. I have lingered and created spaciousness to truly BE with whoever is in my care. And that presence is possible precisely because I do not have a jam-packed schedule.
I have savored moments of connection. When I drop off my kiddos in the morning for school – no matter how chaotic the morning has been, no matter if we yelled or lost it or hurried out the door – I always, always create the spaciousness for a few moments of connecting before they walk into the building. When I pick up my kiddos – no matter the clock ticking until the next activity – I hug them and really look at them. I mean really look at them and smile. And at night, I always hug them and linger with them.
So do I regret leaving my full-time position at Georgetown University?
No. I don’t. My mom was right.
I have honored the season of motherhood I have found myself in and I’ve savored moments of connection.
The other day, I savored an hour and a half of having a dear friend over my house while the kiddos were at camp — at what she said made me see even more clearly how I do not regret any choice I’ve made in mothering. Suzanne and I met when our boys were one. We have seen each other through many stages, ups and downs, of parenting. As she sat in my kitchen, Suzanne said to me about my son:
“Lisa, I want to tell you that I saw A. (my son) at *Sam’s birthday party. When Sam was having a tough moment, A. gently put his hand on Sam’s back. It made me think of you and your sense of deep compassion. Lisa, your compassion is weaved within him. And then I really stepped back and looked at A. And that’s when I saw Brian (my husband) in him. There is this inner quiet, a deep confidence to A. I see the boy and man A. is growing into. And he has both your compassion and Brian’s inner fortitude of quiet.”
I teared up. Yes, I can see it, too. We both talked about how much we wondered and struggled and intentionally were about shaping our first born children – and at the time, we couldn’t see whether what we were doing was “good” or “right” or having any positive impact.
And now, I can see how the choices I have made to honor and savor whatever season of motherhood I am in has beared much fruit.
And so, when my daughter enters kindergarten in the fall and enters a new season in her development, I, too, will be entering into a new season of motherhood. I don’t know how it will look. I only know that I will honor the season of motherhood by looking deeply, sitting and noticing, discerning, and then following the call within me. And I will savor the moments of connecting that this new season offers.
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Dear Readers, I know each of you is in your own season of motherhood. And I know you feel a call within you, unique to this very season of motherhood you find yourself in right now. Stay close to that call. Keep listening. Keep honoring that call to honor the season of motherhood you find yourself in right now. I can tell you that you will not regret it. There are choices we make and trade-offs with every choice. Look at the trade-offs you can live with – the ones you won’t regret giving up when you are lying on your deathbed. I’m serious. Get THAT serious.
Shawn offers lovely, straight-forward ideas for honoring and savoring this season of motherhood in her book, Savoring Slow.
I am currently a part of Shawn’s 20 day book tour. You can read from other moms how they are savoring slow here:
(*Update: June, 2016: Three years ago I left my position at Georgetown University not knowing what would come of the future. I can tell you that once I said “yes” to my heart and body to honor what I knew to be true, opportunities opened that I couldn’t have imagined. I am now a consultant with Georgetown University, I write every day, I created what I call Compassion Coaching and I accompany people every day in their own journey of following what delights their hearts. My mom was right – I don’t regret it one bit.)
Blessings,
Your mom is so right, Lisa, and it’s wonderful that you can look back already and see you did make the right choice. You can never get back the time spent away from your kids. It is all encompassing when they are home; the hustle and bustle, the intensity of constant new discoveries, – both good and bad – the constant demands and rewards. It’s all a big bag of WOW! And, as we all know, that WOW can be good or bad! In the end, love is all there is. Money comes and goes, jobs change, we age, the kids grow up but always, love remains. I happen to know you (and Brian) are wonderful parents to two incredible, lovely, warm hearted, and very much alive kids. You’re doing a great job. Keep it up!
RUTH, it was shear blessing to know you and work with you so young in my adult life right after college. Watching you and your family — and your choices, the way you live soooo intentionally — has influenced my life, my parenting, and my choices soooo deeply. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Lisa
I get this. I left work because I was unable to handle the crazy challenges if trying to get/ stay pregnant and do a job which wasn’t me (engineer on a chemical plant) But later I realised that I wasn’t the multi tasker I was expecting myself to be, and therefore I have stayed off since then. That was nine years ago! Also, my own personal experience of being mothered was not good. I came from a lonely nuclear family with a mother with mental health problems. I think I knew that I have needed all of my attention to create ‘motherhood’ as I didn’t have any idea what it was.
And I think I’m starting to feel the call of moving on. I’ve applied for a course to start in Autumn.
Ps I feel jealous that you have a therapy business, a blog and a website btw!!
Karen, I’m reading your comment again…I hear you about leaving work, following what was on your heart…that “knowing” within you — AND that took you deeper into your own “mother wounds” — exploring your own childhood and reflecting on how YOU are called to “re-mother”/tend to yourself. THIS IS THE WORK of our world — to reparent one’s self. This is how we evolve as humanity, too!
And ps. if you ever have questions about having a therapy business, blog, etc, PLEASE – ask me! I’d love to share what insights I might be able to offer.
Love, Lisa
having two children 17 years apart is was the plan to stay home with the first child but when I got pregnant the second time while working full time in banking it was harder to go back home.I did and my second son will be entering 1st grade as I head into my 46 th year. I have been a part time worker for more then half of my adult life and find it strange that I plan to stay at home for at least 6 more years. making me 52 when I may even think about working full time. I will never be a CEO or a powerful leader but I am a powerful lover and guide to two wonderful boys and a grand mother who has struggled with cancer over that last two years. My life is slower but much fuller do to my choice to be a full time mother and a care giver to a sick lovely older woman… can wait to read the book and thank you for sharing you storys.
I love this, Jolynn….”I am a powerful lover and guide to two wonderful boys and a grandmother who has struggled with cancer over the last two years. My life is slower but much fuller.” I don’t know if you have cancer, but if you do, know that I am praying for you. I don’t “love” that but I love how your life is slower and fuller because of your mindful choices. Thank you for your encouragement. Yes, read shawn’s book! Love, Lisa
I appreciate how you wrote this for all Mamas. As a working mother, I could still relate to your message of listening to my own inner voice, of what this season of motherhood is whispering in my ear….it is inspiring to see that you can still serve your community and practice your craft, yet at the same time have more of a presence for your children. I haven’t yet been able to concoct a similar situation for myself. In the meantime I work hard at maintaining the balance I need….but thank you for this post.
Thank you, Hillary. I’m delighted to be connecting with you, sweet mama! I would say that this sense of feeling “balanced” in serving my community, practicing my craft and being present with my children isn’t a permanent state. There are variables (right?!) that are always changing and impacting this balance. But I DO sit back and look “ok, what needs my attention?” so I bring things back into balance. It’s interesting. There was someone famous last year that said she doesn’t believe in balance. I have sat with that. I have to say that we are constantly about “coming back to center” and bringing ourselves into balance. But it definitely isn’t a “constant.” And Hillary, come to think of it, I really do think that asking, “Ok, what needs my attention?” (and what needs what kind of attention) has supported me in being mindful. So I think you are more “in balance” that you think! Love to you.