For a week, my pup never left my side.

I knew it was the flu when I woke up.  Congested, body aches, chills, fever.  Every bones in my body hurt.  I told Brian that I was so sick that I couldn’t follow a thought for too long.  I was so sick I didn’t have the energy to have any emotion.  Several times all I could do was whimper.  I hadn’t been that sick since I had dengue fever in El Salvador back in 1999.

At one point, my friend Suzanne called me and asked, “How are you ‘in’ all this?”  And I knew what she meant.

I thought about it for a second and said, “I’m surrendering.”

Surrendering.  Not fighting it.  Not ignoring it or denying it.  Not pushing it away.  But surrendering.

We aren’t a culture that likes that word: surrender.
We much prefer to “go to battle” and “fight.”
We want to “win.”
We say things like, “I’m fighting a cold.”
We have slogans like, “I’m kicking _____’s butt!” and “I’m fighting like a _____!”
When we “win” we say things like, “I killed it!”

I can see why. We are culture that wants to be in control and win.

Kicking _____’ butt: makes us feel like we are doing something and like we are in control…for awhile.
Fighting: gives us that rush of adrenaline, amps us up, makes us feel strong…for awhile.

Things like surrendering, allowing, loving, accepting, befriending, and joining?!  They sound crazy to a culture addicted to vying for control.  They sound crazy to a culture that defines strength by what we can “tackle,” “crush” or “kill.”

While I was lying in bed, I thought of my friend Jennifer who died last year from cancer.   At one point in her journey, she asked me, “Lisa, do you think there’s another way to go about all this?”

I sat there looking at her, holding her hand.  I knew a “truth” within me but it was my own truth – a truth that might be aligned with the mystics but still I’m not one to put my truth out there like I have the monopoly on Truth.  Yet she looked at me like she was truly asking and wanting me to share.

“Jennifer,” I said to her, “I only know what the divine puts on my own heart.  I don’t pretend to know what is happening intimately between you and God.  You are asking me though, so I’ll risk sharing this.”

I paused. And then I said, “What if you didn’t ‘fight’ cancer?”

I knew it sounded crazy.  It went against all the big cancer slogans.  It went against the loud voices of mainstream culture.  But we talked about how deeply she loves and putting her attention on that instead of on fighting.   We talked about how if we say our practice is about “embracing it all” and “loving what is” and “welcoming every part” and “befriending vs pushing away” – can this apply to cancer, too?  Can we focus on “tending and befriending” instead of “battling and fighting?”

A little while later, Jenn shared this post by a woman/mom with cancer and why she no longer says fck cancer but focuses on gratitude.   And I saw something shift in her journey.  She had always been a faith-filled woman whose unshakeable trust inspired thousands.  I saw something new emerging in her – the power that comes from surrendering and loving rather than battling and fighting.  The kind of faith that comes from letting go of control.  The kind of strength that comes from resisting nothing and loving all that is.  Did she get mad, angry, sad, sorrowful?  Yes.  And she let herself feel all that.  She loved it all.  She resisted nothing.  She let go into it all.

So I thought of Jennifer when I was lying there feeling so weak.  Her example gave me permission to feel into my weakness. “I’m weak,” I said to myself….and to Jennifer (I pray to her now).  And I was okay with being weak.  I was surrendering to the weakness. I was not going to heal by fighting this flu.  I would heal by “tending and befriending” what is here.

This isn’t easy to write about because it can all be easily misunderstood — until we try it out.  Until we experience what it’s like to let go of control, to allow ourselves to be weak, to “tend and befriend” rather than “fight” what is.

It’s not like I said, “Oh Sickness, you can just have your way. I love being sick. Please, give me more.”

It’s more like – acknowledgement: “I’m really sick and weak right now.”

And responding to this reality with kindness – “tending and befriending” rather than “pushing and fighting.” – with things like,
“I’m resting now.”
“It’s ok to lay here. You don’t have to get up and do anything.”
“Lis, try eating a little something now.”
“Lis, take care of your body.  You are worth it.  Keep hydrating your body.”
“I’m feeling miserable and alone and vulnerable.  I’m reaching out to friends instead of trying to do this alone.”
“It’s ok to feel miserable.  It’s ok to whimper and to cry.”
I’m open to what blessings arise out of this.”

My son giving me communion on Easter Sunday.

There’s a different energy there:
loving what needs attention vs. fighting what is causing the suffering.
Tending and befriending rather than going to battle.
Surrendering to “what is” rather than pushing to win.

As I started to feel better but was still in bed, I thought about what I was fighting against and trying to control in my life.  I could see it all so clearly.  Though the details are private, I want to share that I saw clearly how it’s time to let go of control and take up a new approach to several things in my life:

Surrendering instead of resisting
Tending and befriending instead of fighting
Loving instead of trying to win
Joining instead of going to battle
Softening instead of toughening up

As I looked out my bedroom window, as I saw children playing in the park behind our house, as I saw the cherry blossom trees blooming, as I heard life happening down below, I saw this flu as a gift: It was an opportunity to rest.  It was an opportunity to remember what really matters.  It was an opportunity to count my blessings.  As Thich Nhat Hanh says – you aren’t grateful you don’t have a toothache until you have one.  As I laid there, I thought, “How grateful am I that this is just temporary?  In a few days, I’ll get to be outside in this beautiful spring weather, to feel the warm sun on my skin, to run outside with my babies.”  And it made me ever so grateful for just this – this life, exactly as it is.

Having the flu was also an opportunity to “let love in” from my community.  Denise sent me a peaceful video she took of her farm as she walked up to the barn to see her horse.  Jenn made me elderberry juice.  My other Jenn took care of our kiddos while Brian had to work (Holy Week – one of the busiest weeks for a parish!).  My parents brought me soup and watched our kiddos.  My friend Susan let me cry and share how I felt.  My friend Suzanne pepped up my spirit.

Elderberry juice from my dear and wise friend Jenn of Budding Herbals

What strength comes from being vulnerable, from giving into feeling weak.
What healing comes from tending and befriending instead of going to battle and fighting.
What power comes from surrendering and allowing all that is here, and loving it all into wholeness.

Dear colleagues, clients, readers, friends, family, and customers – (I love how I know you all in these various capacities!): what would it be like to try this out in an area of your life?
softening instead of toughening up
tending and befriending instead of battling and fighting
surrendering instead of resisting
loving instead of winning

Please, keep me posted on how this is for you. Please share so others may feel like they aren’t alone and are empowered by your words and stories. I am about growing and deepening this community — because we all need each other.

And on Easter Sunday, when I couldn’t get to mass with my family or join in the family celebration, I put this on my phone as a reminder for when I think I have to “do” something, I have to “fight” for something….I can trust, I can surrender, I can focus on what deeply delights my heart:

The next time you find yourself fighting against something, see what happens when you decide to put your attention on “tending and befriending” all that is here.  See what happens when you surrender to “what is”.  See what happens when you soften and you love.

**************************************************

*Here are nourishing resources to support you on your healing journey:
Budding Herbals: Jenn Wilhelm is a wise and compassionate soul. She makes incredible apothecary products with the utmost care and attention to her entire process — from the organic ingredients she uses to how she is about educating consumers on how to care for themselves and their dear ones with the purest ingredients. I wear her deodorant, my children use her lip balm, and each summer we get her sunscreen. My sister loves her facial toner and we’ve given her Aphrodite’s face cream as gifts many times.

Julie Ackerman of Truly You Cuisine: Wellness starts with what we are putting in our bodies.  Julie is a plant-based, vegan chef who makes THE MOST incredibly delicious and nutritious meals, snacks, and petite sweets.  “Friend” her on Facebook so you can get her tips that come out every Tuesday and see her incredible menu to support you in eating nourishing AND delicious foods.  She is about to launch big time in the DC area!  Her kale chips — I can NEVER go back to even the ones offered at Whole Foods!  Hers are THE most delicious you’ll ever have.  Julie’s home-made flax tortilla wrap and her falafel is amazing (did I mention it has cashew tzatziki, roasted beet hummus?!).  Try her bowls, greens, snacks…they are ALL amazing.

Midwife for Your Soul — recently a Compassion Coaching client of mine was sharing how our work together was like helping her birth her soul, her true self.  And this phrase – Midwife for Your Soul – came to me.  Yes, that describes beautifully what I do!  So I’m claiming that title, along with Delight Passionista, Compassion Coach, Somatic Psychotherapist, and soulful writer.  RIGHT NOW I have THREE spots open for Compassion Coaching (you can be anywhere in the world – we have sessions via Skype, Facetime  or phone) and Somatic Psychotherapy (local to Frederick, MD, only).  See my Services for more information on how I can support you.

Here are other posts of mine that might resonate with you regarding surrendering, illness, and “tending and befriending”:

• Unexpected Blessings – how falling off a treadmill taught me about receiving and surrendering.
• Three Ways to Practice Self-Compassion – including “tend and befriend”
• A Mom’s Radical Commitment to Self-Compassion – how I’ve started to make a radical commitment to practicing self-compassion and self-care…how caring for self IS caring for others.