The Space to be Seen

Those harsh edges –
let me soften them.
The hurrying and striving –
let me show you how to rest.
I’m alongside you.
My hand is here to gently take yours.
Sweetly, I’ll tuck your hair behind your ear
so we can see those magnificent, brilliant eyes of yours
that want to look up, that want to be seen.
I am here, seeing you,
quietly remaining beside you.

Lisa McCrohan, ©2016

“How luck you were, Lisa,” my friend says to me, “to have a mother like that.” My dear friend and I are talking as soul sisters do – over a cup of coffee (and juice) at our local healthfood co-op, between dropping our children off at school and beginning our day full of work and caring and probably both of us doing and expecting too much out of ourselves. But here we are, making the time to be with each other and hold space for each other.

She is right. And I feel it deep in my heart – my whole body, actually. My mom is an exceptional woman and mother. I happened to be sharing with my friend how my mom has this way of encouraging me with poetic words that go deeper than any “advice” found in our mainstream culture. The way she regards me, sees me, and sees to the deeper “soul need” within me is holy.

My mom looking at my daughter…how she looks at me.

I’m a bit embarrassed for “having it so good”. I want to tell her other things that aren’t so good, ways that it hasn’t been all roses for me. But she knows many of those wounds.

I’m a bit embarrassed and start to think “maybe I don’t deserve to be so loved.”
I didn’t “do” anything to be seen with so much love. I just am.

But then I think: THAT is love.

That’s being seen and regarded. That’s unconditional love: to be loved just because you are, you exist – not because you DID something great or you deserve to be loved. You just are loved.

And as we sit there, I think – while I have my share of difficulties, I have had the experience of deeply seen and unconditionally loved.

My parents have both loved me – each in their own way – and seen me.
My husband loves me and sees me.

Again, crazily, I feel almost embarrassed that I am so loved and so seen.

But then I think, “That’s crazy!” Because being seen and so loved has shaped my way of being with people. It has shaped how I parent, the tone of voice I use, the way I touch my children, the way I look at them and see them so deeply. Not perfectly, by any means! But what “undergirds” my parenting is deep regard and unconditional love. What fuels my decisions in parenting is the role I see I have as their mother – to hold space for them to flourish and offer this world their own presence when it is time.

The work I have chosen, the space I am about holding for others – all has been deeply influenced by how I have been so loved and seen. I can see deeply because I have been deeply seen. I can love deeply because I have been so deeply loved.

So rather than feeling embarrassed, I am now allowing that blessing to flow over me, within me, and then through me to my friend sitting across from me.

And I believe this is how it is supposed to be – whatever holy gift we have been given (not earned) in this lifetime is FOR us – to deeply enjoy and lavish in – and then it is organically shared and offered out into the world to create a more compassionate world.

I know my friend doesn’t feel like she is seen this way – with this much love. As she is sitting across from me, as we hear the “chime” of the cashiers ringing up customers’ purchases and loading their grocery carts, instinctively I look at her with loving eyes. I can’t “NOT” look at her this way. I see such beauty – deep, deep beauty – in her. We don’t really say anything for awhile. We just are here, in this sacred space together, seeing each other.

The harsh lines on her forehead begin to soften – just a bit. The hurrying and striving are quieted within us both for now. We are quiet – remaining with each other.

I believe this is how we are to be with each other. I’ve written a few times about how we need connection and we can be sacred space for each other. I’ve written about how we all have this desire to be held. I’ve written about how moms are sacred space for our children.

I believe this is how God wants to be with us. We don’t have to EARN love. We don’t have to “be better” or “do better.” We have been sold a theology of “original sin” for way too long instead of a theology of “original blessing.”

I imagine the Divine speaking this poem to us: “…those harsh edges – let me soften them…I’m here, seeing you, quietly remaining beside you.”

This is the kind of God of the mystics. This is the kind of God we need to reclaim – a gentle God, one who isn’t about judging us but rather only wants to be alongside us, who only wants us to know how deeply we are loved. What a healing image of the Divine!

My mom has been the Divine incarnate in my life.

My husband’s way of truly seeing me and loving me has been the holy sacrament that has healed me.

And I believe this is how we can be for each other: our love and our regarding way of seeing others can be the Divine incarnate for anyone we meet in a day. Whether we are sitting with a friend, handing lunch money to our teen, reading a nighttime story to our child, or ending the night looking at our partner, we can be the sacred space where someone knows – down in their bones – how loved they are. We can be the Divine incarnate. And we can see the Divine within them. And they KNOW it.

THIS is healing. THIS is how we create a more compassionate world.

Dear readers, clients, colleagues, and customers, can you imagine how we’d raise a generation of confident and compassionate young adults if we held the space for our children to be seen? Can you imagine the adults they would grow into if we communicated this message:

It begins here: May you connect with an image of the Divine that is about “accompanying you” rather than judging you. May you see how deeply you are loved just for being you. May you hear the sweet whispers of the Divine saying “Let me soften those harsh edges. I am here, seeing you.” And may the love you have within you flow into the way you see, regard, hold, touch, and speak to all those you meet today.

You may want to check out my course, Regarding Our Children.  It’s filled with compassionate and mindful ways to truly nourish our children – at any age — so they know they belong, they matter, and they are loved.