I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid to take a risk. That it wouldn’t be good enough. That no one would show up to support me and I’d be alone. That I’d look like a fool – writing a book and putting it out into the world while people watched it be a complete failure.
I had already been rejected by one book agent. A children’s book of mine had been rejected by a publisher years ago. I’d hear myself saying things like, “No one wants your work. You aren’t good enough. You are never going to succeed. Who would read your stuff?”
When I was writing my book, Gems of Delight, and had an ounce of courage to risk self-publishing with the possibility that I wouldn’t be taken seriously as an author, run a public Kickstarter campaign with the possibility that no one would join in, and announce to the world that I was publishing a book with the possibility that it would completely flop, I pretty much hit all of the universal fears that we have as human beings. And I hit them not just one time, but every morning when I sat down to write. Fear would raise its loud voice every time I asked a friend or family member to read an initial draft. Fear would grab me and try to hold me back every time I took one more step in the direction of making this dream a reality.
We all fear things like: we’ll be rejection, we’ll fail, we won’t good enough, we’ll disappoint people, we won’t be loved, and we’ll be alone.
Did I get the major fears we can feel?!
We work to avoid experiences where we will face a fear and be vulnerable. Fear can grip us, freeze us, and hold us back from even entertaining the possibility of our dreams and hopes. I work with clients every day in Compassion Coaching and Psychotherapy who have felt frozen by fear and missed out on loving, creating, and dreaming – and now want to take a risk. And I’ve experienced it personally.
Writing a book where you share your prayers, poems, and personal stories, announcing to the world that you are going to self-publish, and then asking for others to support you is a great way to experience vulnerability and fear!
One morning, I was walking up the stairs from the basement where my office was at the time in order to take a break and get some water, when those fears and negative self-talk came walking right with me. At the top of the stairs, I stopped.
Holding the water glass in my hand before I stepped into the kitchen, I said to myself, “If I listen to the constant fears in my head, I will never finish my book and I’ll never bring it out into the world.”
“Okay, God,” I asked, “How are we going to do this?”
I knew that I had “listened within” to the God within me, and I knew that it was time to write this book. And I also knew that trying to have power over my fears wouldn’t work, nor would ignoring them or trying to push them away.
And then I heard God say to me, “AND.”
AND?!
Yes, AND.
I can be afraid AND still write the book.
I can have fear-based thoughts rise to the surface AND remain steadfast in the knowing that I am supposed to do this work.
AND gave me the courage to take the next right step.
AND reminded me that I don’t have to believe fear.
AND helped me stay anchored in my inner truth.
AND showed me how to breathe through the challenging and vulnerable stages of writing and publishing.
AND created space for me to move from “I can’t” to “I can” — and then to “WE can.”
AND taught me how to swim in the rough waters of fear, dive deeper into the stiller waters of courage, and rise up with trust and hope in my heart.
In 2017, I practiced courage in the face of fear. I practiced taking soul-necessary risks. And God showed me what incredible surprises take place when we take these kinds of risks.
I finished writing and published Gems of Delight! People showed up and funded the Kickstarter Campaign in just a few hours. I’ve received emails, letters, and calls from people: a mom gave it to her daughter with young children, a group of grandmothers are reading it in their book club, a mom with children in high school and college is finding encouragement in it, one friend said she breathes easier when she reads it. Gems of Delight was even on NPR.
Look at that, Gems of Delight, close to Thich Nhat Hanh’s book at the Curious Iguana in Frederick, MD
I have found an inner sense of trust, a deeper sense of hope-filled perseverance, a willingness to fail, and a playful freedom in “let’s go for it!”
When 2018 came around, I knew my Word for the Year would be RISK.
Risk love. Risk imperfection. Risk vulnerability. Risk intimacy. Risk connection. Risk “going for it.”
I have started to RISK asking a soul-building, hope-filled, possibility-generating, love-based question that is changing my life:
“What’s the best that could happen?”
~ When I risked dropping the blaming I do with family members and risked seeing where I could take action, I asked, “What’s the best that could happen?!”
I move from “I’m alone” to “We’re in this together,” and from“I’m a victim” to “I can take action!”
~ When I risked giving more attention to caring for my body instead of working more and longer hours, I asked, “What’s the best that could happen?!”
I am a healthier, stronger, more focused, more vibrant, God-based ME with a deeper capacity to love this world.
~ When I risked sharing more of my prayers and using “God-language” that’s inclusive and speaks of a God who isn’t at all about judgment but instead is all about delight, I asked, “What’s the best that could happen?!”
The old, unhealthy. patriarchal theologies of a judging god get questioned, and people start believing in the God of Hafiz, Rumi, and the mystics – a God who is all about accompanying us, who is all about delight, and who is all about unity. And such a God bursts out of the tiny boxes we put God in and shouts, “Come join me!”
And what I’m noticing is this:
My space of my heart grows warmer, larger, stronger, and more vibrant. Fears can’t grip me for too long. I take actions that are aligned with my spirit and based on love. I have resiliency in the face of failure, rejection, or disappointment. And a steadfast hope arises from deep within me.
“Everyone has talent. What’s rare is the courage to follow it to the dark places where it leads.”
― Erica Jong
We all have a light that wants to shine. We all have a creative side that wants expression. We all are on a soul’s journey to experience life and evolve. We all have a gift to share with the world.
But what stops us is fear. We are afraid of the “dark places” where taking the risk might lead us: into vulnerability and rejection, into trying and failing, into loving and not being loved in return, into giving so much of ourselves and it not being enough, into reaching out and ending up being alone.
Maybe you are about to make a big decision in your life. Maybe you are taking your health to the next level but caught in old habits. Maybe you are coming to terms with how you have an addiction. Maybe you want to take the risk of loving yourself more deeply and healing old wounds. Maybe you have a creative idea that wants to come into form. Maybe your Word for the Year is radiance.
No doubt fear will come up. And you have a choice.
Fear can keep you frozen in the familiar and hold you back from taking a risk.
“Do we really want to be rid of our resentments, our anger, our fear? Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace what we know than to let go of it for fear of the unknown.
(Narcotics Anonymous Book/page 33)”
― Narcotics Anonymous
OR you can say this one little three-lettered word and work WITH your fear:
AND.
~ A woman in a room full of male colleagues can say, “I can feel insecure AND speak up at this team meeting.”
~ A mid-aged, divorced dad can say, “I can be afraid of rejection AND still try online dating.”
~ A person with a medical worry can say, “I can be afraid of receiving bad news AND decide to go to the doctor.”
~ A teenager going into take an exam can say, “I can be nervous AND be grounded and give it my best.”
~ A person struggling with an addiction can say, “I can be afraid of admitting my addiction AND ask for help.”
~ A budding artist can say, “I can be afraid of no one buying my art AND still know that I have to create.”
You can ask this one hope-generating question and bring possibility to your present moment:
“What’s the BEST that could happen?!”
“I speak my truth with conviction and I’m proud of myself.”
“I find a partner with whom I feel at home.”
“Going to the doctor, we found the cancer early.”
“I rocked that exam!”
“I am not alone! I have people in my life who love me. I can learn to love myself in this addiction.”
“My art is beautiful and the people who buy it are moved by its beauty!”
AND is a little but powerful three-letter word. “AND” includes. It says, “This can be here AND this other thing can be here.” – like fear AND truth. Like fear AND courage.
“What’s the best that could happen?” is a hope-generating, possibility-producing question based on love and trust. It moves us from being frozen in the “impossible” and gets us flowing in the “possible.” It opens our eyes and hearts to grace and the courage to take the next right step, as my mom says.
“I am choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I’m making space for the unknown future to fill my life with yet-to-come surprises.” – Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
One small word and one hope-filled question give us the courage to risk letting go of the familiar fears and embrace the possibility of loving more wildly, fiercely, and fully.
One small word and one question can help us to swim in the waters of fear – and not only survive, but dive deeper into the waters of courage, and rise up with love, remembering our calling and trusting that God has got our back. And that feels a lot like freedom.
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Dear Readers, I hope this post nourishes and resources you. I hope it supports you in having the courage to take risks and face your fears with “and” and “What’s the best that could happen?!”
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Do you have a mentor, guide, or coach for the new year? A few years ago I started devoting some of our family budget to my self-care. That included seeing the practitioner who would hold space for me to get clear, heal old patterns, and clear the way for my dreams to flourish. It continues to be an investment I am committed to making each year because it has made a huge difference in how I feel, what I focus on, and how deeply I love. Consider doing the same for yourself! Come and spend the year with me in Coaching.
I’d love to support you in deepening your sense of courage and taking soul-nourishing risks to live the life you know you are to live.
Blessings,