Kissing my mom’s forehead before she went into surgery, not knowing if that would be the last time my lips would feel the warmth of her body, my eyes would see the deep love she has for us in her eyes, or my ears would hear her soft way of saying my name, I surrendered everything.

I realized I had absolutely no control over the outcome. Nothing was in my hands. My mom’s heart was in the hands of the doctor. My mom’s life was in the hands of the Divine. And my hands were empty…and open.

I quietly took my dad’s hand as we stood there and watched the surgical team wheel her into the operating room. A nurse gently guided us to the waiting room.

“We’ve been married 48 years and 14 days,” my dad had announced to the cardiologist while we were still in the post-op room.
Being an accountant, my dad is a math guy. I often can’t even remember the number of years Brian and I have been married, let alone the number of years and days. But my dad – when he said 48 years and 14 days, that was his way of saying, “I know the exact way she likes her eggs. I know the side of the bed she likes to sleep on. I know the fabrics she likes against her skin. I know her favorite colors. I know how much cream she likes in her coffee. I know how deep her heart is. I know what bugs her. I know what moves her soul. I know her grief and her joy. I have devoted every single year, day and hour to loving her. And I am putting her into your hands.”

Our hands were empty…and open.

A profound clarity arises when you are faced with the possibility of someone you love dying. It’s the kind of clarity that you can never “unlearn.”

You stand there facing the clear truth of what matters. Such clarity cuts through every distorted thought you have ever had, the hardened parts of you formed by old grudges, and the fear that had kept you from simply loving. You are stripped of any excuse you have ever made to turn away from Love.

That’s when Grace enters.

She comes and wraps herself around you like a warm blanket. You don’t want her at first because seeing so clearly is still new to you. And the story is still unfolding. You can see your old self with your old set of beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and actions. But you can’t quite grasp what this “new self” will be – only that you can never go back. You stand there in the space between death and birth…of You.

Grace understands that this is a completely new landscape for you. She doesn’t say much. She knows that words wouldn’t compute in this moment anyhow. She begins her work of washing over you – like holy water – gently cleaning and tending to your wounds. All while – she is blessing you.

To be so bathed in Grace, the cells in your body somehow know what your spirit has always known – it will all be okay. Your mind doesn’t believe it. How could THIS be okay?! But Grace flows deeper than thought. She goes into the hollow, disconnected parts of you and gently guides them to truth.

Grace whispered to me what I already knew — that if it was my mom’s hour to die, that was between her and God. And because of how she lived, I knew that she and God were right on.

Every regret I had and anything I held against myself, Grace gently took off my shoulders, like a heavy bag I had been carrying for far too long. She whispered to me, “You are forgiven. There’s actually nothing to forgive. You are free, Dear Heart.”

I tasted, breathed, and embodied a clarity and freedom I hadn’t felt since I was six years old, standing outside on a crisp fall day by myself, ready for school, waiting for my mom and siblings, and breathing in the peace that arises when you sense the sacred oneness of everything – of which I was a part.

I have spent decades grasping for control. Even in my spiritual “seeking,” I was really grasping. Grasping to feel like I was “enough” and “good.” Grasping to unravel the tension inside of me. Grasping to get rid of deep fears. Grasping for solutions to “how to” – how to parent right, how to eat right, how to meditate right, how to solve my heart ache, how to end my anxiety, how to feel good enough, how to forgive myself, how to accept my imperfections, and how to allow God to just hold me.

In that moment of Grace wrapping herself around me, I let go of grasping. All the tension I had held deep in my body unraveled. I let go. I was now empty. Pulsing, alive, and empty.

I had always been afraid of my mom dying. And how had I faced fear today? Not “head on” trying to dominate or control fear. Instead, I had faced fear with a kiss.

When I kissed my mom’s forehead, Grace took fear and silently led him to the exit. He was gone.

What remained?

Embodied spaciousness. Freedom. Clarity. Trust. And Love.

I experienced clearly that the only thing that mattered in life was Love. Aligning ourselves with Love. Choosing Love. Trusting Love. Being Love.

“It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

My dad and I waited. When the nurse came out and said, “The doctor wants to see you,” I didn’t know what reality we would be walking into. I held my dad’s hand. My heart beat wildly. The first thing I saw was not the doctor, but my mom lying on the bed. And then I heard the monitor – bink…bink..,bink. Her heart was beating.

“She’s going to be okay,” the doctor told us.

In that moment, my own heart was healed and transformed into a heart so certain that all I am to do…is Love. To be of service, and Love. With whatever time I am given or my beloveds are given, I am just to be my own God-inspired expression of Love.

Going home a few days later, the dirty dishes in the sink didn’t matter. What I usually found annoying, hardly bothered me. Even when I saw the familiar path I usually take to blame, disconnect, or take things personally in certain circumstances, I just let go.

I am still integrating this experience. I am giving myself time to digest it and allow the new changes to take up residence in me. But I trust that what will arise is blessed by Grace. And so I surrender – again and again – as I just be Love.

Dear Ones, maybe you, too, have had moments when life changes in an instant. Life as you know it is gone. What comes next is uncertain and completely new. Maybe you are facing a new and scary diagnosis. Maybe you received news that has shocked you. Maybe a sobering reality has suddenly appeared. I don’t have easy answers for you. There is no “five steps to finding your way.”

We can make it less complicated, though.

It starts with emptying your hands, calling on Grace, and surrendering it all to Love.

Open those precious hands of your and empty them. Empty them of any grasping you have and let them be empty and open. (Not easy. Not a “once and done” moment).

Call on Grace. Maybe you are standing at the sink washing the dishes. Maybe you are in your car and you’ve just pulled into the driveway of your house. Maybe you are standing there naked in front of the mirror as you wait for the shower to warm up. Call on Grace. Call on Her to wash over you and bless you. Ask Her to show you how to let go and to fortify you in ways you could never imagine or must up on your own. (Calling on Grace can happen in any moment. Listening to Her can take time).

Surrender it all to Love. When it comes down to it, what matters is Love. We intellectually know this. But to live it? That’s a whole other thing. Surrender isn’t a popular “action” to take in life. We want to conquer it! Control it! We see “surrender” as weak or giving up. That is, of course, until you experience surrender. Then you realize, “Holy crap! I’ve been grasping for answers and running around so damn anxious! And all I had to do was surrender! Jesus, thank you!” (But you will have to surrender again and again and again…)

When you have had a big life-changing event or news that has brought you to your knees, don’t get up too quickly.

So much of my work with clients in coaching and psychotherapy is what can often be missed in “talk therapy” sessions: time to orient to the new landscape. Don’t wipe those tears, buck up, and jump back into “go” mode. Your whole system needs time. Trust me.

And when something big has shifted within you, the tendency again is to get up quickly and jump back into life. That is a mistake. You need time to integrate it.

When we pause to give that shift time to integrate:
– our nervous system has time to acclimate and organically do what it needs to do to find its new norm.
– new neuropathways have time to develop.
– new meaning has space to arise.
– you have the time to effectively create a sacred container for the aliveness, freedom, energy, clarity, and love now freed up and accessible to you.
– Grace shows up and has space to work.

Such mending and healing cannot be rushed. Instead, it must be honored. And that requires time and spaciousness.

This is the most sacred of “work” – allowing the unraveling of anything that kept you from loving so that a freer, clearer way of living is birthed.

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Dear Ones, I have just three new coaching spots open this summer. It’s a beautiful and healing thing to have someone alongside you.  Go here to pick the time and day that works best for you and I’ll call you then!