What children really need when they face challenges isn’t for us to save them, but rather this…

“Mom,” my eight year old daughter called down to me, “I’m stuck.” She was standing above me on a small wooden platform high in the trees and far from the sweet, safe ground. We were doing a zipline and obstacle course on vacation with friends. My daughter had just climbed a ladder and was about to hook herself onto the highest zipline we had done yet. I was already nervous, standing on a platform below her.

“Mom,” she said calmly, “My clip won’t unlatch. They both are stuck.” I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t climb up to her because the cable needed to climb the ladder to the platform she was standing on was still connected to her harness.

“You got this,” I heard her friend call to her from the other side of the zipwire.

“Just unclip it,” someone else called out from below.

“It’s not working,” my daughter said.

“I tried that already,” she said.

By now my husband was below us on the ground calling up to her.

“It’s stuck and won’t unlock,” my daughter said. Her voice was calm.

But I was starting to grow more nervous by the minute. I couldn’t see her face. I looked at the ladder and wished I could unhook my harness to climb up there and help her. Thoughts went through my head like, “She’s alone up there!” And “Oh my god, what if she panics?!”

I could have started to panic. But instead, I hugged the tree (truly) that ran through the platform I was on, and I remembered: What children really need when they face challenges is for us to be beside them. Well, I couldn’t PHYSICALLY be beside her, but I could create the space – hold the space – for her to navigate the challenge in a way that built her up and instilled a sense of “I’m okay” no matter the outcome.

“Let’s walk through it together,” my husband calmly called out from below. I could tell that he was intentionally talking slowly and calmly. Good – we were on the same page!

“It’s not working,” my daughter responded. There was still a calmness to her voice.

However, I wanted to scream, “Someone get the hell over here and help my child before she – I – freak out!” I wanted someone to help her before she started to panic way up in the trees. That’s how we are as mama bears, aren’t we?  But again, I already knew my role – remain calm. Remain holding the space for her to successfully navigate this challenge so that even if a staff person had to come up there and help her, she felt resilient.

My daughter is an internal processor. She doesn’t show much on the outside what’s happening on the inside. I didn’t know how she was truly doing. Was she okay? Was she starting to freak out? Would she feel embarrassed and bad about herself? I wanted to save her from all that. And yet, I knew that my job was to just be beside her.

What children really need when they face challenges is for us to be beside them, remaining steady, calm, and believing in them.

People were starting to get anxious. Someone from below me said, “You got this! I’ll count to three and then just go!” They thought she was “just scared.”

I wanted to yell out to them, “She’s not flipping scared! She’s stuck. She might get scared if you keep on pushing her to go when she’s not f-ing ready or safely attached! Back the f-down!” (Yes, I can become a mama bear when you mess with my children! You too?!).

But I didn’t need to say that out loud. My daughter said, “Wait.”

“That-a, girl!” I thought. “She’s still in this!”

“Take your time,” I called up to her, letting her know that I supported her. “We’ll figure this out together. Do you want me to call a staff person?”

“Yeah,” she called down to me.

I wanted to scream down to my husband, “Hurry up and get someone!” I started to look at how high I was off the ground and I started to feel a little shaky. By now people were gathering and looking up. I knew my daughter could hear what they were saying. But I couldn’t see her face. I hugged that beautiful tree again. And I got grounded. I remembered what I needed to do: remain calm and guide her through it.

“What if I don’t get out?” she asked.

“We will go slowly and get you out, C.” I told her.

Where’s that damn staff person, I wondered.

For the next few minutes, a group of us started to say things like,
“We’re with you.”
“Let people wait. It’s okay.”

A staff person arrived down below. He started to talk her through it.

“I did that again, but it’s still not working,” my daughter calmly said.

“Try pushing really hard. It must be really stuck,” the staff person said with a calm and steady voice.

“Oh wait!” my daughter announced, “There! There it is! I got it!”

“Awesome!” people shouted.

And then someone from on the ground said, “Okay, now go!”

“Wait!” she said, “I need a minute.”

I started to tear up. So did the other mom with me on the platform. We understood what was happening: here was a girl TAKING HER TIME! Here was a girl deciding not to override her need for safety and calm in order to follow someone else’s direction and sense of timing. Here was a girl voicing what she needed and telling the world to “hang on a moment!”

In that pause, I knew that she was going to be okay – not only today, but in the future! Because she was claiming her time and space. She was honoring herself. She was using her voice to advocate for herself.

As girls and women, we are so conscious of others and their needs. We often override what we need in order to “keep the peace” or “make others feel better.” How many women have I worked with in counseling and coaching who are so DONE with hurrying up when they want to slow down because others need her to hurry? How many women are DONE with remaining quiet when they see an injustice because others may feel uncomfortable?

The other mom on the platform and I high-fived. She and I both seemed to “get” that the biggest win was that a young girl claimed her space, time, and voice.

“You go, girl!” I thought. “You honor YOU!” My heart was just beaming. She did it!

Maybe you, too, have a child who easily has empathy for others. She thinks of others before herself. And while that’s lovely, it can also become a trap that many of us women have fallen into: neglecting self in order to make others happy.

Many of our children don’t need encouragement to be more empathetic to others – but rather to themselves. It’s from that empathy for self that true and deep empathy for others arises.

Soon, I heard my daughter clip onto the zipline. She would go when she was ready.

And the next moment, I saw her taking off – sailing successfully down the line!

“You got this!!! Whoohoo!!!” I howled. Yes, I howled. Because now as a woman in midlife, I’m caring less about how loud I am and I’m not holding back from things like howling!

Several hours later when we were finished for the day, my daughter said to me, “Mom, thanks for being there and believing in me.”

So often that’s what our children want! Be there and believe in them!

This experience showed me once again what children need when they face challenges is not to save our children from adversity, but rather to guide them through it.

We will WANT to save them! We will want to jump in and take the stressful, crappy, difficult moment away from them. Acknowledge that desire – that primal instinct to protect your babies (at any age!) from discomfort. We ache when our children ache. It’s heart wrenching to see our children struggling. I wanted to climb that ladder so fast and get up to my daughter.

But when we jump in to save, most often it’s to save US from the discomfort of:
– seeing our children suffering
– feeling inadequate
– not DOING something

When you sit back and really look at it, isn’t that true?

But our children need us to let them struggle in age-appropriate ways. I know. I cringe, too, just writing that! But something in us knows that this is (painfully) true. It’s in struggling that we and our children dig deep, find our resolve and resilience, get some grit, expand our courage, and realize “I can do this!”

Angela Lee Duckworth talks about “grit” is an indicator of academic and professional success.  In her book, Grit: the power of passion and perseverance, she explains that grit — building it and having it – is what helps us and our children rise from adversity.

You WANT your daughter to have that grit and courage to rise come from within HER.   You WANT your son to know how to healthily persevere under stress – being able to name his emotions, healthily express them, and work to navigate the challenge you when you aren’t there.  You can foster resilience NOW that they will rely on in the future. Each of us as parents can pave the way for our children to successfully navigate challenging situations.

When she doesn’t make the team and feels defeated…
When he messes up his lines in the school play and is embarrassed…
When she is left out…
When he gets called “too sensitive”…
When they fumble or fail…

What children really need when they face challenges is a steady, calm presence that helps them to remember WHO THEY INHERENTLY ARE – beautiful, kind, loving, and human beings worthy of feeling good about themselves.

We want our children to have the inner fortitude to shake off the dust and rise.

We want our children to believe in themselves. Because – and I’m being honest and bringing up the raw truth – we won’t always be there. We will say “have a good time and be safe” as they head out with their friends on a Friday night. We’ll say “I’m going to miss you so much. Be good to yourself. Stay safe” when we drop them off at college. And they will be on their own, making choices, and navigating life.

Our children deserve to deeply believe in themselves, to know that that they can rise when they face adversity.  And we as parents need to have the helpful tools and support that will enable us to empower our children NOW to be men and women of integrity, resilience, and compassion tomorrow.

If you have been following this blog for awhile, you know that my life is devoted to creating a more compassionate world.

Dear Readers, it’s sooo hard to not jump into for the save when our children face challenges – from toddlers to young adults. What children really need when they face challenges is for us to not go in for the save, but rather to be beside them, believe in them, guide them through it, and remain a presence that says, “You got this. I’m with you.”

This requires presence and self-awareness – because a. presence is what is lacking in our world today, and b. you will get super triggered! I am out to help you parent with presence and equip you with tools to be self-aware so that you set your child up to thrive, and together, our children become men and women of integrity and compassion.

*2019 Update:

*If you are a parent, a professional, or a person who influences the life of a child, check out Regarding Our Children, that is now ON-DEMAND.  You get instant access to all the lessons and workbook when you sign up.  This is all about setting our children up to thrive.  I bring in my clinical, trauma-informed expertise working with clients; my decades of mindfulness; and my experience being “in the trenches” as a mom to share with you researched-backed ways to instill a sense of resilience in your child, empathy, compassion, a growth mindset, and how to support them to be “leaders of their own lives.”

 

Blessings,