The impact of teachers who regard their students is felt way beyond one school year.

Just walking into Mr. Erard’s upper elementary Montessori class as a parent, you could tell there was something magical about it.  There was a vibe, an energy to the room that made you want to stay and be there awhile.  There was a synergy between the students – a sense of community between them.  And each child was present and engaged – like these fourth through sixth graders wanted to be there!

Over the course of the two years that my son had Mr. Erard as his teacher, I know now what it was that made the classroom so special, so “magical”:  it was Mr. Erard. and the way he regarded his students.

Mr. Erard regarded his students.  He SAW them as human beings worthy of attention, kindness, and presence.  In truly seeing them, he challenged his students to be the best version of themselves as citizens of the world.  He communicated the message “You belong here.  You matter to me, your classmates, and our world.”  He truly was about educating the “whole child.”

He would ask critical questions to get his students to flex and grow the parts of their brain used for critical thinking and executive decision making.  He would expect them to show grace, courtesy, and regard for other students.  He would expect his students to care for their classroom environment.  He challenged them to be global citizens equipped with curiosity and a desire to make the world a better place.  His way of seeing each child communicated the message, “I believe in you.”

Mr. Erard didn’t use force or “power over” strategies of classroom discipline to manage his full classroom of students.  Instead, he used the power of regard.  He regarded each student and in turn, students felt like they belonged, they mattered, and they were part of a community.  They showed up and wanted to do their part to “succeed” as a classroom.

That’s the impact of teachers who regard.

It’s rare for a boy to have a male teacher in elementary school, let alone for two years.  And this experience of having Mr. Erard as his teacher has deeply impacted our growing son.  It’s hard to put into words, but even my son knows what a treasure it is and how a child flourishes when a teacher – or any adult – truly regards a child.  A child’s whole self comes alive.  They can be who they are.  They are engaged and vibrant.  They want to learn.

My son flourished under Mr. Erard’s wing.  Not only did my son flourish academically, but he also became “more of himself.”  He had the freedom and space to develop into who he is and the man he is becoming – a refined young man, a sharp problem-solver, and a caring human being.

That’s the impact of teachers who regard.  They see each child and create the space for them to become even more of who they are.  And the lasting impact of teachers who regard children?!  Their students become human beings who regard themselves, others, and their world.  They see their own worth and their confidence grows as they believe they have a unique way of being and presence to contribute to this world.  They believe that we all need each other and they want to work with others.

This new school year, our son will be going to a new school – a middle school.  And Mr. Erard is moving.  We wanted to invite his family over for dinner to truly thank Mr. Erard for the love and regard with which he taught, and to let him know that his presence will have a lasting impact on our son.  A few weeks ago, they all came over.

At one point, my son was showing Mr. Erard some card tricks he has been working on.  I sat back, watching the two of them.  It was so strange to be sitting with another human being who has spent hundreds if not thousands of hours with our son and he really knows our son.  The appreciation I felt in my heart was the kind of appreciation any mom feels when she sees her child being treated with love and regard.

Over the years, I tried to convey to Mr. Erard how WE saw HIM and appreciated the kind of presence, energy, and passion he brought into teaching. I’ve written to all my children’s teachers and let them know throughout the year that I appreciate them. There was Mrs. Duffy – who both my children have had and who wrote to me and told me how she knows our children will do great at their new school and she listed out the qualities in my children she has seen that make them excellent students and human beings.  What she shared indicated to me how much she had SEEN my children as their teacher.  She had spent time observing them and supporting them to grow and learn.  There was Mrs. Bumgardner – again a teacher who both of my children had.  I can still remember the moment when my oldest started kindergarten and when I saw how Mrs. Bumgardner greeted and regarded each student, I knew my son was going to be just fine in that classroom.

This is the kind of leadership our children need to not only individually thrive, but to become men and women of integrity who make a difference in this world.  The impact of teachers who regard their students lasts well beyond one academic school year.

I’ve been in enough classrooms and I’ve seen the absence in children’s eyes – the lack of engagement – the “I’m checked out” look.  I’ve seen the cut-throat competition between even young children.  I’ve witnessed how a classroom of children can become uninterested in learning and disconnected – from their own selves and their gifts, from their peers, and from the teacher.  As a psychotherapist, I have sat with many clients who are “absent” adults.  They are checked out – at work, at home, and in life.  They don’t know where they belong and they don’t know what they contribute to the world.  They struggle with depression, try to “find themselves” in working too hard and building up a “successful” resume, or go home and treating their family with disregard – bouts of anger, lack of presence.

So when my children have had teachers whose teaching approach is founded on regard, I can already see the lasting impact this will have on them.  I can feel my children’s engagement and their full presence.  I can feel their eagerness to learn.  I can see their regard for others and this world.

We want all our children to grow up to be adults who are engaged in life and who are fully present to this life and world!  We want all our children to have a deep love for learning.  We want all our children to feel like they have a gift to contribute to this world.  And we want all our children to have regard for others.

Fr. Greg Boyle, founder of the famous Homeboy Industries, in his TedX talk said, “You don’t hold up the bar and ask anybody to measure up, you just show up. You hold the mirror up and you tell people the truth: you are exactly what God had in mind when God made you. And then you watch people become that truth. You watch them inhabit that truth.”

Parents, when you see that your child has a teacher who truly regards his or her students and holds a mirror up to students showing them that they belong, they matter, and they are loved, let that teacher know how much you appreciate this!  Encourage that teacher.  Thank that teacher.  Tell him or her what an impact he or she is making in the life of your child and all the children in that classroom.   Ask what they need. Ask how you can help.

And teachers, every time you pause to treat a student with regard, know that you are building up that child’s sense of self.  You are sending the message, “You are worthy of listening to.  You are worthy of regarding.”

I know you are overworked and underpaid.  You work long hours and the expectations on you come from many sides.  I know that you need to be resourced in order to be present for your students.  One way that I can resource you is to help you start your day in a positive, grounded, nourishing way.  Another way I can resource you is with my Regarding Our Children (ROC) online coursel. It’s not just for parents.  It’s for educators, coaches, and professionals who work with children.

I am so very grateful for the work you do and the presence you have for your students.  Thank you for encouraging them, challenging them, and believing in them.  Our children will look back and see that it is the way you regarded them and truly saw them that helped them to be men and women of resilience and integrity – bound to do great things in this world.

*2019 Update:

*If you are a parent, a professional, or a person who influences the life of a child, check out Regarding Our Children, my online, on-demand course.  This is all about setting our children up to thrive.  I bring in my clinical, trauma-informed expertise working with clients; my decades of mindfulness; and my experience being “in the trenches” as a mom to share with you researched-backed ways to instill a sense of resilience in your child, empathy, compassion, a growth mindset, and how to support them to be “leaders of their own lives.”